mostly untrue news 5th edition

• TODAY IN POLITICAL NEWS: According to reports from actual news sources, President Obama is striving towards health-care reform for the nation. How does he coax congress into seeing things his way? Apparently with well timed political humor; a joke that this health-care reform will happen even if "it kills him". Mr. Obama assures all Americans that he has many more ironical puns up his sleeve. So how is President Obama assuring Congress that he has the perfect plan for government run health-care? He asks lawmakers to "trust him". Well, I don't know about you but I'm certainly relieved that at least the president has thought this issue through and has a definite plan of execution. Not one to be one-upped by a mere presidential pun, Representative Joe Courtney, D-Conn. said "A big issue for the House is putting suspenders with belts on the plan to ensure we don't get left holding the bag with just the Senate bill by itself". (Don't ask me, I just type the quotes). All in all this reporter will be able to sleep a little better tonight knowing that the belt loops of health-care will be held up by a bag of suspenders even if someone has to kill the president to get it done. Trust me.

• TODAY IN WOMEN'S REALLY BIZARRE ISSUES: According to the Associated Press, in OWENSBORO, Ky. – A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. WYMT-TV reported that a 31-year-old woman was arrested Thursday on a misdemeanor charge of public intoxication. But as she was changing into an inmate uniform, she squirted breast milk into the face of a female deputy who was with her. The woman now faces a felony charge of third degree assault on a police officer. Her bond was set at $10,000. Let this be a lesson to all you crazy baby mammas: never assault an officer of the law with life giving breast milk or you too may be jailed and made to sit in time out and give enourmous sums of money to the government. Even if it's an "accident" you may be put under lock and key the rest of your miserable lives until all your breast milk has dried up and you are no longer thought to be a danger to the lactose intolerant general public. I wish I was making this story up.

• THE LATEST IN THE WORLD OF FASHION NEWS: Lanvin designer Alber Elbaz showed the world the latest in all things African with his new fall-winter 2010/2011 fashion show in Paris on Friday, March 5th. His daring dark African collection was modeled for the world by Caucasian stick insects and one token African American stick insect who made in through the entire show without being killed off. All models wore matching black blunt cut wigs except for the black model who was sadly stuck with her own closely shaved crop of hair. I have a dream that one day all runway stick insects will be united in completely matched hair wigs. Thank you.

• AND FINALLY: This reporter has made a recent discovery that has led to a non-pc attitude towards certain regions of this United States of America. The region I am referring to is called, simply, West Virginia. I am not saying by any means that all people living in West Virginia could stand to have a few more branches put on the family tree; I am only referring to the ones hired by the state. I am not making this true story up. Yesterday I was invited to a baby shower in Bluefield West Virginia. Along the way, I made a phone call to the Princeton Welcome Center and asked a very helpful young lady what time the welcome center opens and closes for business BECAUSE I wanted to go into a gift shop that was in that very center. The helpful phone attendant gave me the business hours of 9am to 8pm everyday of the year (except one day when they are closed. I don't know what that day is). I repeated back to her the hours of operation and she confirmed them and then I told them to my friend with the helpful phone assistant still on the line. She confirmed them again with an assurance that she was working in that very welcome center as we were speaking. Relived that I would have time to drive by there on my way back home I hung up the phone with a calm assurance floating around my insides. Around the time of 6:30-ish pm that very evening I made a trip to that very welcome center. All the doors were locked and had a crooked sign on them that the hours of operation were from 8am to 6:30pm. I found a janitor who was cleaning the toilets and asked him about the hours of operation. He informed me that the center closes at 6:30 and the gift shop had already been closed about 30 or 40 minutes now. I did a little math in my head and figured out the approxamate closing time of the gift shop was 6:00pm or thereabouts. All this frustration has led me to make a plea for justice. If anyone can locate the friendly phone associate from Princeton Welcome Center, please pull out her remaining tooth and have it shipped to me on a silver platter via next day delivery. I will gladly accept all charges. Thank you and have a ok day with little or no personal death involved. I hope you appreciate the extra effort I put into this days sign off.