mostly untrue news 10th edition

• IN TODAY'S FINANCIAL SECTION: We will discuss why you will never retire. First of all, you will never retire because of a mass overpopulation of our species commonly referred to as "baby boomers". Even though those in this group are not still babies, they share some of the same qualities like random drooling and farts make them smile coyly. So what is it about this generation of boomers that means I can't retire? Because there are literally bajillions of them. Even the baby boomers won't be able to live off of social security because the mass of people that are slightly older will have eaten through all available funds. You may ask yourselves, "what am I going to do?"; there are several options to consider. Sale of expendable internal organs always brings a decent price. Also, you may consider getting yourself a refrigerator box, as those are the most roomy. If neither of those options appeal to you, you might want to consider building a nest egg. It is never too late to start one, unless you retire tomorrow, then see previous options. Being an alert reader, you may be asking yourself how this is done. You should be asking this as you are a moron and have no idea how to build a nest egg. There are two incomes we will deal with in this specific chart, shown below:

Available Cash From Various Sources	YOU	BILL GATES
Cash In Hand	3.78	2 billion
Checking Account	201.53	4 Jillion dollars
Savings Account	5.13	30 trillion
Change in the Couch	4.36	ask the maid
Jar of coins you will never roll	216.14	why would anyone keep coins?
Stocks	What?	I own everything
Bonds	Like, Leather?	Like, Leather?
Birthday money from Aunt Helga	10.00 per year	I don't know, we burn it with the yule log

So, as you can see from this chart, Bill Gates has built a decent nest egg over the years, while you sat around drinking beer and will have to recycle soda cans to get through each day. Loser.
Until we can all come up with an efficient way to kill all the baby boomers, we must look to other sources for funds. There are many financial guru's out there who have written many books on saving money which they will charge you upwards of $20.00 to read. One example of such a guru is Suze Orman who looks like this:
As we can tell from this photo, she is very frugal with her money, or rather the money we have given to her so that she can tell us peons how to save money. This seems to have worked well for her. Coincidentally, if you will send $20.99 to Theresa c/o Mostly Untrue News, Hiwassee Virginia, 24347, I can tell you how to save more money than Suze ever thought about saving. Cash only please.
Sadly, the only way to build a nest egg for retirement is to never retire. I realize this makes the point of the nest egg rather stupid, but hey, atleast you'll have something to leave to your family (who never visits). They may even start a huge fight in your honor and the family will become split like the Hatfields and McCoys. That would really be funny. But don't worry about the money they get, the government will get most of it with a cool little thing called "death tax". If you don't pay this tax, the IRS will repossess your burial outfit and coffin, leaving you to decompose in a swamp. These guys aren't messing around. You don't want to enter the afterlife with a tax lien already waiting on you, do you?
As for me I plan to make my children go to work at age 14 and never let them have days off so that I might be able to retire with a little more ease. I have 3 kids, surely that is enough to keep me in the manner to which I have become accustomed.