sorry about the small letters

I don't know what happened to today's post (below) the writing is tiny. I hope to fix this soon

mostly untrue news 10th edition

• IN TODAY'S FINANCIAL SECTION: We will discuss why you will never retire. First of all, you will never retire because of a mass overpopulation of our species commonly referred to as "baby boomers". Even though those in this group are not still babies, they share some of the same qualities like random drooling and farts make them smile coyly. So what is it about this generation of boomers that means I can't retire? Because there are literally bajillions of them. Even the baby boomers won't be able to live off of social security because the mass of people that are slightly older will have eaten through all available funds. You may ask yourselves, "what am I going to do?"; there are several options to consider. Sale of expendable internal organs always brings a decent price. Also, you may consider getting yourself a refrigerator box, as those are the most roomy. If neither of those options appeal to you, you might want to consider building a nest egg. It is never too late to start one, unless you retire tomorrow, then see previous options. Being an alert reader, you may be asking yourself how this is done. You should be asking this as you are a moron and have no idea how to build a nest egg. There are two incomes we will deal with in this specific chart, shown below:

Available Cash From Various Sources	YOU	BILL GATES
Cash In Hand	3.78	2 billion
Checking Account	201.53	4 Jillion dollars
Savings Account	5.13	30 trillion
Change in the Couch	4.36	ask the maid
Jar of coins you will never roll	216.14	why would anyone keep coins?
Stocks	What?	I own everything
Bonds	Like, Leather?	Like, Leather?
Birthday money from Aunt Helga	10.00 per year	I don't know, we burn it with the yule log

So, as you can see from this chart, Bill Gates has built a decent nest egg over the years, while you sat around drinking beer and will have to recycle soda cans to get through each day. Loser.
Until we can all come up with an efficient way to kill all the baby boomers, we must look to other sources for funds. There are many financial guru's out there who have written many books on saving money which they will charge you upwards of $20.00 to read. One example of such a guru is Suze Orman who looks like this:
As we can tell from this photo, she is very frugal with her money, or rather the money we have given to her so that she can tell us peons how to save money. This seems to have worked well for her. Coincidentally, if you will send $20.99 to Theresa c/o Mostly Untrue News, Hiwassee Virginia, 24347, I can tell you how to save more money than Suze ever thought about saving. Cash only please.
Sadly, the only way to build a nest egg for retirement is to never retire. I realize this makes the point of the nest egg rather stupid, but hey, atleast you'll have something to leave to your family (who never visits). They may even start a huge fight in your honor and the family will become split like the Hatfields and McCoys. That would really be funny. But don't worry about the money they get, the government will get most of it with a cool little thing called "death tax". If you don't pay this tax, the IRS will repossess your burial outfit and coffin, leaving you to decompose in a swamp. These guys aren't messing around. You don't want to enter the afterlife with a tax lien already waiting on you, do you?
As for me I plan to make my children go to work at age 14 and never let them have days off so that I might be able to retire with a little more ease. I have 3 kids, surely that is enough to keep me in the manner to which I have become accustomed.

mostly untrue news 9th edition

• IN TODAY'S ENTERTAINMENT NEWS: WE WILL BE DISCUSSING SOCIETY AND IT'S HYPOCRITICAL VIEWS. According to news sources, Michael Jackson just signed the largest record deal in history, or rather his estate did; (we are assuming the estate did due to the fact that Michael Jackson might currently lack the skills to sign papers). This deal is for a $200 million guaranteed contract with Sony Music Entertainment for 10 projects over seven years, according to a person familiar with the deal. Since the King of Pop died in July, he has sold over 31 million albums. I personally think that it is fantastic that he's sold all of these records and has a new contract for projects, especially since America decided he was a child molester and menace to society. Not many people would have had anything to do with the pre-deceased Michael Jackson, he was a talentless freak with a penchant for little boys. However, post-deceased, Michael Jackson is a collectors item and we all love him again. God bless America.

• IN TODAY'S MORE LIGHTHEARTED NEWS THAT STILL HAS TO DO WITH ENTERTAINMENT, I would like to bring attention to a song that graced my radio waves last night. The song is Does He Love You, sung by Reba Mcentire and Linda Davis. You may be asking yourselves "Is she going to attack Reba?" The short answer is yes. Yes, I know, Reba is one of my favorite singers too, However, in this duet with Linda Davis, both women have belt-it-out power house voices which unfortunately sound almost identical. The singers duel back and forth about why the man loves one instead of the other and vice versa. Having this argument with each other in identical voices just makes Reba sound like she is having a psychotic episode with herself. On the plus side, I find this to be terribly funny and so I really like this song. I think I will go at it alone on my next karaoke night!

• IN TODAY'S UNBELIEVABLE SCHOOL CURRICULUM SECTION: According to Yahoo! news U.S. history textbooks could soon be "flavored heavily with Texas conservatism". What exactly are we talking about here? Here is a list of possible inclusions or rather, exclusions from American textbooks:
  

1. A greater emphasis on “the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s.” This means not only increased favorable mentions of Schlafly, the founder of the antifeminist Eagle Forum, but also more discussion of the Moral Majority, the Heritage Foundation, the National Rifle Association and Newt Gingrich's Contract With America.
2. A reduced scope for Latino history and culture.
   
3. Changes in specific terminology. Terms that the board’s conservative majority felt were ideologically loaded are being retired. Hence, “imperialism” as a characterization of America’s modern rise to world power is giving way to “expansionism,” and “capitalism” is being dropped in economic material, in favor of the more positive expression “free market.” (The new recommendations stress the need for favorable depictions of America’s economic superiority across the board.) Boy, we Americans do love our euphemisms!
4. A more positive portrayal of Cold War anticommunism.
5. Language that qualifies the legacy of 1960s liberalism. Great Society programs such as Title IX—which provides for equal gender access to educational resources—and affirmative action, intended to remedy historic workplace discrimination against African-Americans, are said to have created adverse “unintended consequences” in the curriculum’s preferred language.
6. Thomas Jefferson no longer included among writers influencing the nation’s intellectual origins. (Really).
   
7. Excision of recent third-party presidential candidates Ralph Nader (from the left) and Ross Perot (from the centrist Reform Party).
8. A recommendation to include country and western music among the nation’s important cultural movements. The popular black genre of hip-hop is being dropped from the same list.
   

I don't know about the rest of you, but I think this just what America needs, why on earth did it take us this long to figure out that promoting anti-feminism, racial intolerance, and country music is the answer to this nation's problems? Now if they could just find a way to get rid of all those other pesky minorities, like gays, lesbians, Chinese, and fans of The Village People, this country really would be worth spending trillions of dollars to defend. By the way if you question anything you hear or read, you will automatically be shot.

• AND FINALLY, IN TODAY'S WOMEN'S ISSUES: I CAN SCREAM LIKE A LITTLE GIRL IF I WANT TO. At approximately 3pm this afternoon, my dutiful, alert cats found a little grey mouse in the living room and decided to pass the time by torturing said mouse. I was advised to let nature take it's course and let the cats kill it and then dispose of it later. I spent most of the afternoon in my room pretending that the holocaust was not happening in my livingroom. By evening I decided it was ok to come out. The two cats ( two out of three of my main cats, Isabelle and Sam) had obviously lost interest, so I assumed it either hid or was under the couch, entertainment center or wardrobe decomposing. During my dinner (spaghetti), I heard a bit of chaos happening in my son's room. Alas, the mouse had not escaped, but was somehow let live long enough to be a plaything for my backup cat, Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell and George (George is a main cat), were playing who can let go of the mouse and then get it again. This time I really couldn't stand it so thinking quick, alert thoughts, I went to the kitchen and pulled about a hundred sheets of paper towels off the roll, wadded it up and went in to get the mouse. Tinkerbell was not amused at my antics which basically consisted of me chasing the cat who would occasionally drop the mouse to which I would screech "oh shit", while the main cat and backup cat fought for mouse domination. Eventually human intellect won over feline ingenuity and I got the little mouse, who seemed to be in good shape, considering his busy afternoon. Feeling good about saving one of God's creatures from an untimely demise, I opened the kitchen door and threw him out into the yard. Unfortunately my aim was a little off and instead of throwing him into a pile of soft grass, the little mouse smashed into a large rock. The moral to this story? When it's your time, it's your time. Sorry, unknown mouse, I hope your small life served some sort of purpose.

Well, that does it for today, go have a safe day and buckle up. (sometimes I like to give people practical advise. I feel I've done my part)

mostly untrue news 8th edition

• IN TODAY'S POLITICAL NEWS:

I don't think there's anything else to be said...

• ANYWAY... IN TODAY'S NARCISSISTIC CELEBRITY NEWS: Lindsay Lohan is filing a law suit because - follow me on this - someone else has dared to name a baby Lindsay. According to sources at Yahoo! news "Actress and professional party girl Lindsay Lohan sued E-Trade for $100 million over a commercial that features a baby named Lindsay. Ms. Lohan contends that the ad, in which the baby Lindsay is referred to as a "milkaholic," capitalizes on her name and is clearly based on her. Ms. Lohan's lawyer contends that her client has "elevated 'Lindsay' to the same sort of one-off recognition status as 'Madonna' or 'Cher". When asked to comment, Lindsay slurred to me "take that you *@!#&% baby", just before she passed out over a nearby toilet. I felt some sense of obligation when Lindsay (no longer Lohan, just Lindsay) asked me to hold her hair back; I only felt this obligation in fear of being sued for millions of dollars should I let her now, jet black, locks fall into her regurgitated alcohol.
• IN TODAY'S JOB NEWS: According to a column written by small business owner, Jay Goltz, who ownes five small businesses in Chicago, he has found an unprecedented way to have happy employees: "I fired the unhappy people". Well, I for one applaud Mr. Goltz. I mean, I don't think unhappy people should be let out of the house, let alone let into a business, small or otherwise. This approach has worked in the past, if you readers will recall. In the 1930's through the '40's, one guy decided he really only liked blond haired, blue eyed people, who share his beliefs. Unfortunately, Jews, ethnic Poles, Romani, Soviet civilians, Soviet prisoners of war, people with disabilities, homosexuals, Jehovah's Witnesses, and other political and religious opponents really weren't this guy's style. Being entitled to "his (or her) opinion", old Adolph got rid of all those irritating people. I'm sure it must have been a lot less stressful at work once all those bothersome people were gone. Early Christians also shared an opinion of the type of environment they want to be surrounded in, which didn't include non-Christians, Indians, poor people, sun worshipers, midwives, medicine men, witches, or anybody that was just minding their own business. Finally they were able to get rid of a bunch of opponents too and everyone was the better for it. So what does Jay Goltz have to say about all this? He states "This is only my opinion. I don't have a Ph.D., an M.B.A., or even an economics degree. What I do have is a happy company. And that makes me happy. Now I know some people argue that business is about making money, and not everyone has to be happy. That is also an opinion. Everyone has a right to his or her opinion. When you own a company, you also have the right to surround yourself with the people you choose". With profound wisdom like that, who can go wrong. I think there are some good morals to this story. 1.You should be happy. 2. Jay Goltz likes to be happy. 3. If you are employed by Jay Goltz, be happy or you will be punished. 4. Everyone has a right to his or her opinions, but this is Jay Goltz opinion, and he has a right to his opinion; be happy or else.
• IN TODAY'S "I'M A GENIUS" SECTION: According to an article by the Associated Press, " Authorities said a 30-year-old-man showed up so drunk for his sentencing for drunken driving that he missed his hearing and now faces even more time behind bars. Authorities said Jason Botos was driven to the Papillion courthouse on Thursday by his father, who needed help from deputies to get his son out of the vehicle. Prosecutor Ben Perlman said Botos was so drunk he couldn't attend the hearing, so the judge issued a warrant. Deputies arrested Botos in the parking lot". Personally I think they should give this guy a break. I mean, after all, he DID show up for court. I am sure he was not specifically told not to be drunk in court. AND, Mr. Botos seemed to have learned a lesson about drunk driving all on his own; he let his dad drive the car this time. Come on people, where is the justice in this? Jay Goltz will be defending Mr Botos in court where "everyone better be happy, or else".
  
• AND FINALLY, IN TODAY'S WOMEN'S ISSUES: DON'T BE A VICTIM. This story has been brought to my attention by alert reader Tena Coleman-Dupree. This story shocked me in ways too numerous to mention. A local woman went to see a new doctor. Unfortunately, it seems that the doctor was a sleeze ball. According to the woman, the doctor, who had commented on how beautiful she was, asked her to remove her skirt and he started rubbing her thighs. He asked her if she knew what he was doing and she answered yes, he was checking for abnormalities. After a minute, he told her to take off her shirt and bra. The doctor started rubbing the womans breasts and asked her if she knew what he was doing and she answered yes, he was checking for cancer. At this point, the woman began to feel uncomfortable. What happens next is not intended for underage readers. Next the doctor asked her to take off her panties. Once she had, this scandalous doctor started having sex with her. At that point he asked her if she knew what he was doing and she replied "yes, getting herpes, that's why I'm here".
  
• Y'all have a groovy day filled with purposeful enjoyment and merriment. Hurry! Go! There isn't much time left!
  

mostly untrue news 7th edition

IN TODAY'S COLUMN: What Happened To School?

I bring this question up today because it is personally affecting me at this moment; actually it is affecting my daughter at this moment. Out of concern for her privacy and the fact that if I embarrass her she'll stab me to death with a butter knife, my daughter will be henceforth referred to as "not my daughter". So, not my daughter woke up this morning with menstrual cramps. Please understand when I say cramps I am not saying this lightly. Not my daughter has such bad cramps she throws up and gets dizzy and feels like she is being disemboweled. I have personally never witnessed anyone else who gets these types of cramps. I told her to take some Midol and petted her as best as I could. Now here is the issue: Midol lasts all of maybe four hours. She will still be in school when the cramp demon returns. What to do? She is not allowed to have any medicine WHATSOEVER in her possession, even, get this, cough drops. Yes I know this because we went through a cold and she would cough so hard it would make her vomit, however cough drops are not allowed in school either. As of right now, the cramp demon has returned and the school has called for us to PICK HER UP. Ok... if she had some Midol with her she could finish a productive day in school and might stand a chance of learning something. So, they effectively toss her out of school for being a menstruating female because even the "school nurse" is nothing more than a glorified babysitter who is not allowed to dispense even asprin (or cough drops). This approach to dealing with female reproductive problems causes one more problem for not my daughter. Children are allowed only so many absences per year ( I think it's ten). Thanks to ex-President Bush, she is counted absent for the rest of the day. Well that won't work for the schools because they get funding based on attendance. If they don't get their funding, the parent gets screwed in the form of a court subpoena that says the parent must show up in court and explain to a mummified judge why he or she should not throw you in jail for the rest of your miserable life for being such a crappy parent and letting your kid spread loser germs all over the school (when you bother to make them attend).
True story time? Once upon a time this very same school called us to pick up our son who attends this same school because he seemed to have the flu (he didn't attend because he had the flu, they called us because he had the flu). We picked him up from school, took him to the doctor and sure enough, he had swine flu. The very next day, the school called to inform us that my son was NOT in school and could we explain ourselves? We politely reminded them that they were the ones who sent him home just yesterday. They agreed to remembering something like that; then continued to call everyday my son was absent, wanting an explanation. I really wanted to have my son sneeze in several envelopes and then mail them to official school personnel.
All that to say that this morning before not my daughter left the house I actually suggested she sneak Midol to school in her pockets or something and take them in a closed bathroom stall. Being the voice of reason, she balked at the idea as getting caught would get her expelled. I figure if they (schools) would expel a kindergarten girl for having nail clippers on her person and expel a boy for eating a ham sandwich at the same table with a Jewish friend of his (I am not making that up); they might start World War Three over the use of Midol.
I think the moral to this story is if you are stupid enough to have a daughter and let her live through puberty then be prepared to go to jail you parent scum.
Thank you for listening and have a day free of felonious activity.

mostly untrue news 6th edition

• IN TODAY'S "GUYS CAN BE REAL CREEPS" SECTION: Serial Killer wins on dating game-show. (CNN) -- Before he was a convicted serial killer, Rodney Alcala was a winning bachelor on "The Dating Game" in 1978. " Alcala, who already had been convicted for the 1968 rape of an 8-year-old girl, was the first contestant to be introduced in the game-show episode", according to CNN reporter Gabriel Falcon. Alcala won the game but later was rejected by the girl. Which just goes to show that some women can be a bit shallow and overly judgmental. Within months after the game-show, Alcala abducted and murdered a twelve year old girl; later he would be found guilty of killing four women and one child. Apparently the rejection of a game show contestant was really hard on him. I'm certain that had the girl gone on the date with Alcala, he would have turned out to be something nice, like an orthodontist. I think we have all learned a lesson from this story... I'm just not sure what it is.
  

• IN TODAY'S BAD SONGS LIST: I'm currently listening to Seether, of the hard rock genre, singing Careless Whisper. You know, "I'm never gonna dance again/ cause guilty feet have got no rhythm/ Though I know you're not a fool/ it's easy to pretend... This song was sappy and hard enough to listen to in 1984 when George Michael crooned his way through 18 rounds of the chorus over the wailing of a saxophone. Admittedly the Seether version of this song sounds better, however it loses some of it's syrupy emotional turmoil when growled over electric guitars and punk rhythms. The only hard thing to imagine is the band's lead singer Shaun Morgan, who looks like this: could be persuaded to dance with anyone unless she has a penchant for headbanging; which should not be a problem for guilty feet, due to limited space in a mosh pit. I applaud the effort though and hope to soon hear Black Sabbath's remake of Beauty and the Beast (Disney version).

• IN TODAY'S CELEBRITY GOSSIP: The singers of Naughty by Nature became ok with O.P.P. In a statement from their PR spokesman the group has decided that "getting down wit'"Other Peoples Property/Pussy/Penis is a good idea as it promotes tolerance and acceptance.
  

• Fred Fairbrass of Right Said Fred is taking a more humble approach these days. Since the song, I'm Too Sexy came out, Fred has been berated due to the fact that he is not all that sexy. He admits he was actually never too sexy for his shirt, cat, car or Milan, he does still consider himself too sexy for a number of things including his elevator and parking tickets. Critics everywhere are hotly debating whether Fred is too sexy for Japan, citing that though he may not be too sexy for Japan he might be too tall for Japan. Fred disputes the critics that are everywhere; his argument for being too sexy for Japan is that he "saw it once on TV and definitely concluded he was too sexy for that country". Japan has offered to fly Fred to the country and compete for the "too sexy" title but Fred only laughed and said he had nothing to prove. Japan called him a "booger nosed scaredy cat".

• AND FINALLY, IN TODAY'S WOMEN'S ISSUES: I can't be the only female to notice that around 30 years into ones life, one starts having dysfunctional body parts. I only bring this up because this phenomenon is causing me personal discomfort. I have had a cough since January that has progressively gotten worse. I am now having to constantly wear sanitary pads because now when I cough, I end up with urinary leakage on my personal body. To say the least, this problem can cause discomfort in the area of personal scent. I cannot imagine why all those muscles that are affected by Kegal exercises are not doing their job. If any alert readers out in the big world wide web has an explanation for this, I would love to hear it. For now I suppose I will have to settle with a Sam's Club bag of Depends and hope against hope that urinary leakage will be the only problem my traitorous body treats me to this month.

Thank you for reading and have a day. (I don't believe in putting undue pressure on you to have a "great" one).

mostly untrue news 5th edition

• TODAY IN POLITICAL NEWS: According to reports from actual news sources, President Obama is striving towards health-care reform for the nation. How does he coax congress into seeing things his way? Apparently with well timed political humor; a joke that this health-care reform will happen even if "it kills him". Mr. Obama assures all Americans that he has many more ironical puns up his sleeve. So how is President Obama assuring Congress that he has the perfect plan for government run health-care? He asks lawmakers to "trust him". Well, I don't know about you but I'm certainly relieved that at least the president has thought this issue through and has a definite plan of execution. Not one to be one-upped by a mere presidential pun, Representative Joe Courtney, D-Conn. said "A big issue for the House is putting suspenders with belts on the plan to ensure we don't get left holding the bag with just the Senate bill by itself". (Don't ask me, I just type the quotes). All in all this reporter will be able to sleep a little better tonight knowing that the belt loops of health-care will be held up by a bag of suspenders even if someone has to kill the president to get it done. Trust me.

• TODAY IN WOMEN'S REALLY BIZARRE ISSUES: According to the Associated Press, in OWENSBORO, Ky. – A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. WYMT-TV reported that a 31-year-old woman was arrested Thursday on a misdemeanor charge of public intoxication. But as she was changing into an inmate uniform, she squirted breast milk into the face of a female deputy who was with her. The woman now faces a felony charge of third degree assault on a police officer. Her bond was set at $10,000. Let this be a lesson to all you crazy baby mammas: never assault an officer of the law with life giving breast milk or you too may be jailed and made to sit in time out and give enourmous sums of money to the government. Even if it's an "accident" you may be put under lock and key the rest of your miserable lives until all your breast milk has dried up and you are no longer thought to be a danger to the lactose intolerant general public. I wish I was making this story up.

• THE LATEST IN THE WORLD OF FASHION NEWS: Lanvin designer Alber Elbaz showed the world the latest in all things African with his new fall-winter 2010/2011 fashion show in Paris on Friday, March 5th. His daring dark African collection was modeled for the world by Caucasian stick insects and one token African American stick insect who made in through the entire show without being killed off. All models wore matching black blunt cut wigs except for the black model who was sadly stuck with her own closely shaved crop of hair. I have a dream that one day all runway stick insects will be united in completely matched hair wigs. Thank you.

• AND FINALLY: This reporter has made a recent discovery that has led to a non-pc attitude towards certain regions of this United States of America. The region I am referring to is called, simply, West Virginia. I am not saying by any means that all people living in West Virginia could stand to have a few more branches put on the family tree; I am only referring to the ones hired by the state. I am not making this true story up. Yesterday I was invited to a baby shower in Bluefield West Virginia. Along the way, I made a phone call to the Princeton Welcome Center and asked a very helpful young lady what time the welcome center opens and closes for business BECAUSE I wanted to go into a gift shop that was in that very center. The helpful phone attendant gave me the business hours of 9am to 8pm everyday of the year (except one day when they are closed. I don't know what that day is). I repeated back to her the hours of operation and she confirmed them and then I told them to my friend with the helpful phone assistant still on the line. She confirmed them again with an assurance that she was working in that very welcome center as we were speaking. Relived that I would have time to drive by there on my way back home I hung up the phone with a calm assurance floating around my insides. Around the time of 6:30-ish pm that very evening I made a trip to that very welcome center. All the doors were locked and had a crooked sign on them that the hours of operation were from 8am to 6:30pm. I found a janitor who was cleaning the toilets and asked him about the hours of operation. He informed me that the center closes at 6:30 and the gift shop had already been closed about 30 or 40 minutes now. I did a little math in my head and figured out the approxamate closing time of the gift shop was 6:00pm or thereabouts. All this frustration has led me to make a plea for justice. If anyone can locate the friendly phone associate from Princeton Welcome Center, please pull out her remaining tooth and have it shipped to me on a silver platter via next day delivery. I will gladly accept all charges. Thank you and have a ok day with little or no personal death involved. I hope you appreciate the extra effort I put into this days sign off.