mostly untrue news 7th edition

IN TODAY'S COLUMN: What Happened To School?

I bring this question up today because it is personally affecting me at this moment; actually it is affecting my daughter at this moment. Out of concern for her privacy and the fact that if I embarrass her she'll stab me to death with a butter knife, my daughter will be henceforth referred to as "not my daughter". So, not my daughter woke up this morning with menstrual cramps. Please understand when I say cramps I am not saying this lightly. Not my daughter has such bad cramps she throws up and gets dizzy and feels like she is being disemboweled. I have personally never witnessed anyone else who gets these types of cramps. I told her to take some Midol and petted her as best as I could. Now here is the issue: Midol lasts all of maybe four hours. She will still be in school when the cramp demon returns. What to do? She is not allowed to have any medicine WHATSOEVER in her possession, even, get this, cough drops. Yes I know this because we went through a cold and she would cough so hard it would make her vomit, however cough drops are not allowed in school either. As of right now, the cramp demon has returned and the school has called for us to PICK HER UP. Ok... if she had some Midol with her she could finish a productive day in school and might stand a chance of learning something. So, they effectively toss her out of school for being a menstruating female because even the "school nurse" is nothing more than a glorified babysitter who is not allowed to dispense even asprin (or cough drops). This approach to dealing with female reproductive problems causes one more problem for not my daughter. Children are allowed only so many absences per year ( I think it's ten). Thanks to ex-President Bush, she is counted absent for the rest of the day. Well that won't work for the schools because they get funding based on attendance. If they don't get their funding, the parent gets screwed in the form of a court subpoena that says the parent must show up in court and explain to a mummified judge why he or she should not throw you in jail for the rest of your miserable life for being such a crappy parent and letting your kid spread loser germs all over the school (when you bother to make them attend).
True story time? Once upon a time this very same school called us to pick up our son who attends this same school because he seemed to have the flu (he didn't attend because he had the flu, they called us because he had the flu). We picked him up from school, took him to the doctor and sure enough, he had swine flu. The very next day, the school called to inform us that my son was NOT in school and could we explain ourselves? We politely reminded them that they were the ones who sent him home just yesterday. They agreed to remembering something like that; then continued to call everyday my son was absent, wanting an explanation. I really wanted to have my son sneeze in several envelopes and then mail them to official school personnel.
All that to say that this morning before not my daughter left the house I actually suggested she sneak Midol to school in her pockets or something and take them in a closed bathroom stall. Being the voice of reason, she balked at the idea as getting caught would get her expelled. I figure if they (schools) would expel a kindergarten girl for having nail clippers on her person and expel a boy for eating a ham sandwich at the same table with a Jewish friend of his (I am not making that up); they might start World War Three over the use of Midol.
I think the moral to this story is if you are stupid enough to have a daughter and let her live through puberty then be prepared to go to jail you parent scum.
Thank you for listening and have a day free of felonious activity.