mostly untrue news 4th edition

• TODAY IN WOMEN'S ISSUES:

Today's column will only deal with women's issues, because it's my blog and I can do what I want. Let me just send a big shout out to Eve and her insatiable appetite for forbidden fruit, or the moon goddess that lets a woman cleanse herself each month or whoever is responsible for the fact that once a month (as in right now) I eat Motrin and chocolate and greasy burgers until I'm ready to puke.
However, today's column also deals with the junk each woman has to put up with on any given day. For example, women are told that we must look at ourselves and realize we are not only fat, but ugly too. We have, for example, fat ankles. Honestly, no one, male or female has ever commented on my ankles; however if we wear a skirt that makes us look like we have fat ankles we will take the skirt, douse it in gasoline or fingernail polish remover and set it on fire. Same thing about our butts. NO ONE ever looks at their butt and says to themselves "I have the most awsome butt ever! I'd say as far as butts go, this is the finest one I have ever laid eyes on. In fact I wish my head were on the other way round so I could just look at my butt all day". Big butts are only good if they are round and stick out and possibly able to hold a soda can; black women have a patent on this kind of butt. Skinny butts are awful because they just sag out of the bathing suit they are in. However skinny butts are more favorable than big fat, flat butts, which seem to be the average American White Female Butt. But Lord, do we obsess over them. Does this pair of jeans make my butt look big? Well, yes unless you don't want it to, then maybe not; depends on which big you're going for...
And accessories, we have to accessorize our big butts and fat ankles and droopy shoulders and short, stubby hands. Let's see, there are bracelets, bangles, charm bracelets, anklets, toe rings, earrings for pierced ears, earrings for non-pierced ears, lobe earrings, navel rings, lip rings, tongue rings, brow rings, cocktail rings, diamond rings, everyday rings, handbags, purses, backpacks, backpack purses, shoulder bags, arm bands, head bands, barrettes, pony-tail holders, scrunchies, combs, hair bands, clips, bows and ribbons. While we are on hair, let's talk about all the things we do to our hair, like relaxers, perms, waves, color rinses, hair dyes, frostings, streaks, highlights, bleaches, curling solutions, straightening solutions, hair spray, hair mist, hair gel, hair texturizer, hair volume sprays, anti-frizz sprays, hair oils, hair placenta treatments, and hair replacement treatments; all of which we don't want to get on our faces because faces have: day cream, night cream, exfoliating cream, wrinkle cream, anti-aging serum, puffy eye cream, skin tone evening cream, peach scrubs, exfoliating masks, wrinkle masks, tension masks, cucumber masks and all made with SPF 400. Over all that we put on primer, foundation, powder, loose powder, eye shadow primer, eye shadow, lip liner, eye liner, mascara, lip stick, lip gloss, shimmer powder, concealer, yellow stick, green stick and top coat.

So that we will look natural.

Of course not everything has to be natural, like our fingernails and toenails. They can be pink, red, french manicured, french pedicured, mauve, sinful red, ruby red, devil red, sensuous red, spring red, sunshine pink, kiss me pink, tickled pink, bubble gum pink, candy pink, petal pink, flirty pink, purple, flirty purple, alluring purple... you get the idea. Before that though, our hands and feet are scrubbed, exfoliated, tenderized, soaked, grated, clipped and sanded. After that we put on a coat of nail strengthener, a bottom coat of clear paint, color, top coat and an anti-chip coat.
After which, we dress ourselves in panties, thongs, period panties, granny panties, stomach holding in panties, camisoles, bras, wonder bras, underwires, work out bras, socks, stockings, pantyhose, garters, garter belts, corsets, skinny jeans, fat day jeans, flare leg jeans, boot cut jeans, capris, shorts, short shorts, daisy dukes, culottes, baggy jeans, sweaters, t-shirts, sleeveless shirts, v-necks, crew cuts, square cuts, off the shoulder shirts, see through shirts, dress shirts, casual dress shirts, casual shirts, sloppy shirts, tube tops, skirts, mini skirts, low rise mini skirts, professional skirts, business suits, casual suits, dresses, Sunday dresses, sun dresses, Easter dresses, Christmas dresses, party dresses, wrap arounds, prom dresses and ball gowns.
After which we must find the perfect shoes from: tennis shoes, running shoes, walking shoes, sneakers, hiking boots, cowgirl boots, knee hi boots, ankle boots, thigh hi boots, mid-calf boots, boots with fur, winter boots, rubber boots, sandals with a heel, sandals without a heel, stillettos, pumps, flats, open toes, closed toes, shoes that show toe cleavage, lace ups, slip ons, flip flops and patent leather.


My only question is WHO came up with this. There is no possible way to look like the praying mantis-like creatures that saunter down the runways. Don't we have enough to worry about just trying to get dressed and hygienic? Let's not forget to shave our underarms, legs, bikini line, vagina, butt crack (of the imperfect butt), and hot waxes.

Yet we do all of these things to ourselves and don't even like the way we look. NO WOMAN likes the way she looks. No celebrity, no fashion model, no housewife, no career woman, no teenage girl, no mother and no daughter. So, you might ask, why do we do all this stuff in the first place and the answer is... I have no idea. Rest assured though, that tonight when I take off my makeup with a pre-made makeup cleansing wipe that costs roughly 30 dollars per month (that's the cheap one), I will lay down; I will think about the chocolate chip cookies and two slices of pizza I ate today, curse myself for being weak, look at the dress I am trying to loose weight to fit into and sigh; promising tomorrow I will do better. I will do this because fashion dictates it and fashion is a bitch.