Mostly Untrue News: 1st edition Feb. 18 2010

In today's entertainment news: Jeremiah the Bullfrog is facing indictments due to new evidence that he is actually not a bullfrog but a poison arrow frog. Three Dog Night fans are appalled. Jeremiah's family spokesperson said in an authorized statement " We all told Jeremiah that all that smug hippie stuff would come back to haunt him. He has shamed us; not to mention his song never really made any sense either". This investigation has also turned on Three Dog Night as accusations from Jeremiah indicate there was actually a fourth dog. More updates as we get them.
In other remotely related news Mr. and Mrs. Muskrat of Muskrat Love have decided to call it quits. Mrs. Muskrat has cited that Mr. Muskrat cheated on her several times with a "sleek, red furred tramp". Mr. Muskrat insists that he only began the affair after years of being referred to as "Puke Face". Ms. Muskrat had no further comments.
Also, Brittany Spears seems to be doing well after a year of publicity stunts including getting bi-polar disorder. We are sorry to hear this and wish the crazy Ms. Spears would return, as she was much more entertaining prior to medication.

In WOMEN'S ISSUES: after reading a book by Dave Barry entitled "Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs" feminists everywhere are conspiring to kidnap Gary Puckett, who remade and sang (publicly) versions of "Dreams of the Everyday Housewife" with such winning lyrics as "She picks up her apron in little girl fashion/ as something comes into her mind/ slowly starts dancing, remembering her girlhood/ and all the boys she had waiting in line. / oh, such are the dreams of the everyday housewife/ you see everywhere any time of the day/ an everyday housewife who gave up the good life for me. Also, this same Gary Puckett sang "Little Green Apples" which is a song about how he calls his woman up at home and "knowing she's busy" gets her to drop everything for him and meet him for lunch. He's "always late" but she sits there "waiting patiently". Finally, Gary Puckett also sang a heartwarming song entitled "Take A Letter Maria" in which a boss sings to his secretary (as if she wasn't busy enough) He wants to dictate a letter to his wife that he's leaving her. We assume that's where "Take This Job and Shove It" originated. The mostly female group and a few sensitive males have decided to dismember Mr. Gary Puckett and hang all of his parts individually. This author agrees that that is a most fitting punishment. The group is also looking for The Crystals who sang "He Hit me (and it Felt Like A Kiss)" in which they sincerely sing "and when I told him I'd been untrue/ he hit me and it felt like a kiss/ he hit me and I knew he loved me/ if he didn't care for me/ I could have never made him mad/ but he hit me and I was glad. This reporter is not making these lyrics up. The group plans to beat The Crystals to a bloody pulp just to show they care.

In OLYMPIC NEWS: people seem to have their panties in a wad over the fact that :

Shaun White's gold-medal coronation in the halfpipe finals at the Winter Olympics was marred Wednesday by vulgar statements made by coach Bud Keene and aired on NBC live to the East Coast before White's final run. White was the last to go, but since nobody had beat his score from the first round, he was the automatic winner. There was much joy and celebration atop the run, as there should have been. Unfortunately, a few of those words were picked up by NBC cameras.

At first there were whoops of celebration. But then things got a little R-rated.

Keene: What do you want to do?
White: I don't know, man. Ride down the middle?
(Chorus of noes.)
Keene: No, have some fun.
White: Drop a double mick?
Keene: Yeah, drop a double mick at the end. Do whatever you want and [expletive] send that thing. Make sure you stomp the [expletive] out of that thing.

Again, this reporter is not making this up. Obviously this guy should be strung from a tree and smeared with something bears like to eat. I think he should be randomly drug tested, made to make an apology, submit his entire family for public scrutiny and made to eat nothing but pita bread for the rest of his life.