mostly untrue news 15th edition

IN TODAY'S COLUMN: House work - brilliant anecdotes and simple tips on how to get your way.
Today as I was putting laundry into the washing machine (ever notice if the laundry is clean it's "laundry" however, if it is dirty it is "laundry", what is that?), anyway - ... laundry into the washing machine, which is located in the bathroom. As I was working I realized my bathroom could use some cleaning because, in layman's terms, it was really gross. In husband and children terms it was pretty clean, but because I am anal about the cleanliness of my bathroom and kitchen and can see actual dirt molecules, I decided it absolutely must be cleaned. First order of business was washing the two bathroom mirrors and the large hand-held mirror so one can see the back of one's head in case there is anything one can do to make one's hair look worse than it already does. WHAT was on these mirrors? The medicine cabinet mirror looked like someone had poured milk down one side of it. It was also obvious that someone in the house with an electric toothbrush turned on the toothbrush and, before any teeth brushing happened, would let it vibrate and whirl in front of the mirror for a minute or two. The other mirror looked as though when the twirly toothbrush person finished leaving toothpaste splatters on the tall mirror, they went to the shorter mirror and gargled, head back, mouth open with the mirror lying on their face directly over the open mouth. The hand-held mirror looked much the same only with some kind of gooey stuff stuck to it. So, I washed the mirrors and and once again turned them into objects that could be looked into and would send one's brain back a signal that didn't make the person look like a half melted milk face with horrid spots and sticky wounds. TIP #1: permanently affix a thick towel to all mirrors so you will never have to worry with cleaning them again. Second order of business: clean the sink and counter area. I don't know how many readers are aware of a product called Simple Green. Simple Green is this engine grease, slime busting spray cleaner. This stuff will clean anything. It is only sold concentrated. My sink needed a combination of Simple Green and powdered Comet to clean it because my husband comes in every day and washes his hands, which are generally covered in oil from various construction equipments and dirt and money germs and pretty much anything filthy within a fifty mile radius from his job. He does this everyday and faithfully leaves the greasy, filthy water drops all over the counter and in the sink and on the handles (and I don't even have to ask him to do it). So, the toothbrush holders and the counter tops and sink and handles are cleaned before I clean the soap which is dirty from the husband who washes his hands with it and doesn't rinse it off. Also, the stray hairs and bits of stuff are cleaned out of it. TIP #2: soap is not self cleaning. Two down, two to go. The shower and toilet are all that is left. Here is a question I would like to pose to you readers: why is it that men seem to find the shower the only acceptable place to blow their nose? I'm not talking about civilized blowing into a tissue blowing, but simply blowing out into the shower stall. I know it isn't just my current uncivilized partner, because my last husband, a.k.a troll cave, did this too. Not only are boogers on the shower walls gross, they are also very hard to scrub off without using a COVERED UP thumb nail and scratching those suckers off. Somehow men have found a way to not only blow their noses on the shower wall but they stick them on with some sort of glue with permanent immortality properties. The best way I found to deal with this problem is TIP # 3: draw giant circles around all of them with red lipstick (that you will never use again of course) and write on the wall with the same lipstick (INSERT NAME OF NEANDERTHAL HERE) STOP LEAVING BOOGERS ALL OVER THE SHOWER, THIS IS GROSS!!! It makes said neanderthal really mad, but if the cleaner of the shower has to be mad and grossed out then it serves the neanderthal right for being such a snot nosed puke face. On to the toilet (oh goody). Now, I understand boys are differently equipped than us girls and as a result have decided somewhere along the line that real men stand up to pee. This is not too much of a problem unless you are raising two potential men who are 10 and 12 years of age. Apparently being smaller and closer to the toilet does not mean you can hit that big ol' bowl with any sort of accuracy. I discovered this today as I was cleaning our personal toilet. Some small person with the aim of a dizzy sightless person peed down the side of the toilet. The outside side of the toilet. As in that little place behind and under the toilet, where the toilet screws down into the floor was pooled in pee and the side was covered in dried tacky pee and the floor surrounding the toilet was peed upon. You could literally see the bacteria having a beach party in the nooks and crannies of the toilet and surrounding area. There was a housing community being developed by all the little enzymes while the younger bacteria played in the pool surrounded by hot bacteria lifeguards with sunscreen on their noses. TIP #4: invest in a port-a-potty. The family pees there. You buy a lock to the bathroom, hide the key and only go in when you are sure no one else is around to get in. Lock the door behind you. Take mercy on no one. Afterwords I cleaned and disinfected the cat box which was in much better shape than the non-feline waste depository, then swept and mopped and now everything is nice and clean. Well, it was, the kids are home now and I'm sure once bladders are emptied I'll have to clean the bathroom again tonight. At least I have job security for the next several years.

Have a great day and try to make at least one stranger believe you really do have an Australian accent.