Mostly Untrue News: mostly untrue news 11th edition

IN TODAY'S MORON CELEBRITY NEWS: Jessica Simpson talks about her favorite body part. Is it her lovely blond locks, her enormous bust, her winning smile? Nope, it's her nose. You may be asking yourselves why this is so important that it would merit comment on a blog such as this. The answer is: it isn't important, I just like to make fun of mediocre celebrities! So, what did Jessica have to say about her nose? "I like my nose, that's my favorite body part...I do have a bump, but I like my profile -- I don't think anyone else has my exact same nose, I think it's unique and a little flawed." Well, that just about covers it, but if any alert readers out there think they may have Jessica's "exact same nose", please write in and send a picture of your exact same Simpson nose. You can reach me by e-mail at www.whocaresaboutjessica'snose.com.

IN TODAY'S WOMEN'S ISSUES (SORT OF): A couple of days ago I purchased a fine magazine: Cosmopolitan, the one with Lady Gaga in her underwear on the cover.

The cover articles really gave me pause for at least 3 or 4 seconds. These titles were all about sex. Not about how to please the woman who would probably be reading it, but ways to turn her man on. Titles included such winners as: The Sex Article We Can't Describe Here; 50 Things to Do Butt Naked; Speak His Sex Language; Sex Operations for Her That Will Make Her Man Like Her The Way She Is; Sex Sex Sex; More Sex; We Like Sex... you get the picture. My only question is why women need all these articles to get their man in the sack. I think all magazines could write one article that will work for every woman. The title of the article would be "How to get your man in bed". The entire article would be one sentence: "Just show up". Really, is it all that hard to get a man to have sex? I don't think so.

IN TODAY'S NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR: I was shopping for toothpaste in a store that rhymes with doll-fart. As I passed an isle, a TV with a motion sensor started a toothpaste commercial. A brunette woman with teeth so white they could be seen from the moon came on and said "Finally, after all these years, I feel that a toothpaste was made specifically for me". Really? This woman seems to sincerely feel that all those tubes of toothpaste in her brand were made specifically for her. Well, let's give her the benefit of doubt and say that yes, all those tubes were for her; shouldn't she feel obligated to buy them all so that there could be room on the shelves for tubes made specifically for someone else? Should the general public buy her toothpaste since it was made for her? I might feel a bit uncomfortable using toothpaste not intended for me. Also, what made her so special? She was attractive, but there are other people out there more physically appealing than her. Does Julia Roberts get her own toothpaste too? Lord knows she has enough teeth to do some serious advertising for a toothpaste that could be made just for her. And what about the rest of us? I have yet to get a letter, e-mail or phone call that informed me I was getting a toothpaste designed with my particular dental issues in mind. Perhaps you only get your own toothpaste if you have a lot of money to buy off a toothpaste brand and make them serve only your teeth. Does Donald Trump or Bill Gates have their own toothpaste? "The Don says use Trump-paste or you're fired". I don't know what the secret is to getting your own toothpaste, but I'm a little pissed off that my dental needs have never been considered for a teeth cleaning product.

IN TODAY'S STUPID MARKETING STRATEGIES: I was at a drugstore the other day; in this case the store name rhymed with tallbreens. As I wandered through the makeup isle looking for a product that would leave my skin flawless, make my face look like Liv Tyler's and make me look like I had lost 80 pounds instantly, I happened across the Loreal isle. The product that caught my eye was the Loreal makeup with the applicator that looks like a paint roller. The name of this product is Loreal True Match Roller. There were several pictures of celebrities holding their respective paint rollers next to their face. However, one in particular captivated me. This one was a picture of Beyonce (who is black, at least last I heard) with her paint roller which was a light beige color as seen here.

True Match? I'm not certain whether to blame Beyonce for trying to be white, or Loreal, who seems to be uncomfortable promoting makeup for black people.