- IN TODAY'S FASHION NEWS: There are times when I wonder if all this man baiting is just a cover for the idiotic things women do to themselves. I cannot even call this alarming trend sexy. It isn't sexy, it isn't healthy, it serves no other purpose than to make women look alarmingly bizarre. What is this trend? It is a trend toward towering footwear for ladies under the name of "shoes". My favorites so far:
Oh yeah, these make me think sexy! No? How about broken ankle, trip to the emergency room, and feet that will look like Hobbit feet in about 10 years. I'm not sure who came up with this unfortunate look for fashion, but I think it had to be someone who was very short and had problems with self esteem. Like Napoleon. Maybe Hitler. Oddly enough though, this towering footwear has been heading down runways attached to the anorexic feet of stick insects since last season. So, what is the reasoning behind designer's scheme to give all skinny women hammer toes? The recession! I swear I'm not making this up. According to Yahoo! news reporter Joanna Douglas, during recession times, like the Great Depression of the 1930's, the oil crisis in the 1970's and "and when the dotcom bubble burst in the 2000s" there is "a greater need for escapism." Escapism? I couldn't escape out of a paper bag in those ankle twisters! However, they might come in handy during a mini flood of some sort. Maybe if you couldn't reach the diet water on the top shelf, these towering, tormentors of treacherous toe-height (barely pulled that one off), might do some good. Otherwise, I would just use them to throw at people.
- IN TODAY'S FINANCIAL NEWS: Pamela Anderson is feeling the stresses of this country's economic woes. The blond, busty bombshell is rumored to owe the government around $493,000 in back taxes. She is also rumored to be balking at a million dollar bill for renovations done to her home in Malibu. Pamela states that "her lawyers were 'reviewing the work done' to investigate the possibility of unfair bills", and that while she was indeed the subject of tax liens to the tune of several hundred thousand dollars, she was still "financially secure." Ms. Anderson proves she is in no trouble at all due to the fact that she now has a double wide trailer on the beach. Ladies and Gentlemen, you can take the trash out of the trailer park, but it will just keep getting breast implants until you let it back in.
- IN TODAY'S WOMEN'S ISSUES: This is a personal tale about Not Me. Two days ago, Not Me and my boyfriend were invited to dinner. While getting dressed, Not Me decided to wear something a bit sexier than the usual neutral bra and ginormous stomach - holding - in spandex underpants that I usually wear. This time, they were red. Ok, they were a little sexier than that, and Not Me decided to wear them and whisper sexy stuff to my boyfriend that would turn him on for after dinner. You know, things like "ooh baby, I've been thinking, that - um... later... we might, you know, go to Wal-Mart and get some milk". So, the underpants part went fine. All night they stayed where they were supposed to and served their underpants purpose. The bra, however, was created by Satan. You have to understand that Not Me has a robust chest girth (in other words, I'm kind of fat). However my cup size is that of a sixth grade band geek. Rarely do I EVER find bras in in Not My size. This one was close though, and I had figured I could make it work. Not Me put it on having to do the thing where you put the bra on upside down and backwards, then button it, then turn it around and right side up. When I twisted it around not my body it left tread marks like a mac truck had just spun out on my abdomen. This was followed by the insert-able fake breasts found at your local Wal-Mart store. Not me had to do this because this particular bra had shaped cups and it looked like Not Me had just dumped melted silly putty inside it. So, in with the breast enhancers. Ahh, instant breast enhancement and a little to extra on the top; perfect. Perfect except that about ten minutes into dinner, Not Me discovered that this bra was made for people with actual breasts and not pre-formed breast inserts. Not Me discovered this because the under-wire of the bra began poking Not Me in the armpits causing an irritating sore. The only relief from this new affliction was to sit there motionless with both arms raised in the air. Apparently this is frowned upon in most restaurants (depending on location). So, in trying to adjust the height of the bra, Not Me ended up stabbing not myself in the armpits and then managed to make the straps slide halfway down not my arms. These straps slid so far, that Not Me had to actually reach down the neck of not my shirt with a rod and reel and go fishing. These straps were not giving up without a fight. It never occurred to Not Me to go into the ladies room and do the bra of Satan dance in private, where there was a good chance of falling into a toilet as well. Nope, being the classy, sophisticated person that Not Me is, Not Me did this little bra voodoo dance right at the dinner table. So, having fought with the evil bra all night, when Not Me and my boyfriend got home Not Me took the bra of death, doused it in gasoline, set it on fire, scattered the ashes to the four corners and just went to sleep; milk be damned.
- That's it for today's news, so have a grumpy day and don't smile at anyone unless you are trying to spit gum in their path.
Oh yeah, these make me think sexy! No? How about broken ankle, trip to the emergency room, and feet that will look like Hobbit feet in about 10 years. I'm not sure who came up with this unfortunate look for fashion, but I think it had to be someone who was very short and had problems with self esteem. Like Napoleon. Maybe Hitler. Oddly enough though, this towering footwear has been heading down runways attached to the anorexic feet of stick insects since last season. So, what is the reasoning behind designer's scheme to give all skinny women hammer toes? The recession! I swear I'm not making this up. According to Yahoo! news reporter Joanna Douglas, during recession times, like the Great Depression of the 1930's, the oil crisis in the 1970's and "and when the dotcom bubble burst in the 2000s" there is "a greater need for escapism." Escapism? I couldn't escape out of a paper bag in those ankle twisters! However, they might come in handy during a mini flood of some sort. Maybe if you couldn't reach the diet water on the top shelf, these towering, tormentors of treacherous toe-height (barely pulled that one off), might do some good. Otherwise, I would just use them to throw at people. 
Ladies and Gentlemen, you can take the trash out of the trailer park, but it will just keep getting breast implants until you let it back in.
ReplyDeleteMASSIVE LOL ~Tena