mostly untrue news 17th edition

IN TODAY'S COLUMN: 10 TIPS ON HOW TO PICK UP PEOPLE AT A BAR OR AT LEAST LEAVE THEM SOMETHING TO REMEMBER ABOUT YOURSELF
I thought I might start today's column with a true story about myself to show you how easy it can be to find nice people in a bar and make an impression. This past Saturday, a friend and I went to a bar for a couple of drinks. I sat at the end of the bar and my friend sat next to me and next to her on the other side, sat a very nice man who I happened to have found attractive. TIP #1: MAKE EASY CONVERSATION. Our conversation with this gentleman covered various subjects such as the fanatics who believe 2012 will be the end of the world and what they might do, just to make it a self prophesy; the deeper meanings of Marvel Comics and the possibility of a coming civil war between those who will reveal themselves and won't; and what we each do. TIP #2 MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT WHEN ANSWERING QUESTIONS. At one point this gentleman asked my friend and I what we do. I couldn't hear really clearly over the thousand watts of music coming from speakers that must have had the previous life of a howler monkey. What I HEARD was
Q: "So what (mumble mumble) you?"
A: "(mumble mumble) and she's a Capricorn."
A: *from me* "No, I'm a Virgo, I made it by one day."
(Strange stares from half the bar cast in my direction) puzzlement.

What ACTUALLY was said was
Q: "So what do you guys do?"
A: *from my friend* "Well, I am a... at... and she is a kept woman."
A: *from me while looking deep into cute guys eyes* "No, I'm a Virgo, I made it by one day."
(Strange stares from half the bar cast in my direction) puzzlement. Then laughter and pointing in my general direction.
TIP #3 YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS TRYING TO FLIRT WITH PEOPLE AFTER AGE 25 ESPECIALLY IN A BAR WHEN YOUR HEARING IS PROBABLY ALREADY GOING ANYWAY.

Another true little anecdote and tip for you:
At a Karaoke bar, a man who was clearly at a 50/50 alcohol to blood ratio came to a table where my girlfriends and I sat. This man had dressed for the night in a dirty wife beater shirt, soiled camo shorts pulled down just enough to get a glimpse of his underwear, socks which used to be white, I think, and black tennis shoes with a blown out toe. He also made sure he hadn't showered in a few days, just to make everyone comfortable. This ladies man sauntered over to the table and proceeded to pretty much beg any of us to dance with him. After repeatedly making excuses such as "I would but I don't want to vomit directly on you" and "Thanks, but I don't think I'm good enough for you, buddy" we finally just said no. This man proceeded to call everyone at the table a "bunch of bitches" and did something with his hands around the front of his shorts which I was certain he must have had a lot of practice doing without his shorts on. TIP # 4 DON'T BE THIS GUY, UNLESS YOU ENJOY BEING THROWN BODILY FROM BARS.

I also have another handy tip. TIP #5 NEVER WALK UP TO A WOMAN AND SAY "I HEARD REDHEADS ARE GOOD IN BED, WANNA PROVE IT?" I can almost guarantee you a turn down and possibly a knee to the crotch if this is even attempted.

Which somehow leads me to TIP# 6 IF SOME GOOD LOOKING GUY IN A COWBOY HAT IS DANCING WITH A SKINNY BLOND ON THE DANCE FLOOR, DO NOT THINK FOR A MINUTE THAT HE IS REALLY GOING TO DUMP HER TO DANCE WITH YOUR 200lb BUTT, AND SNEAKING UP BEHIND HIM TO SANDWICH HIM INTO A DANCE WILL NOT WORK. You ladies will be surprised at the agility of muscular cute men when confronted with someone as repulsive as yourself. That little cowboy just scooted right out of that little sandwich and vanished into thin air. By the way there is no way this is a true story about myself.

Now on to TIP #7, which is IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT FEELING REBELLIOUS AND FLIRTY, ONLY FLIRT WITH PEOPLE YOU ARE SURE YOU WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN.
Otherwise, when you see them again and have no idea who they are, excusing yourself from them by saying "Thank you, but I have a boyfriend and we've been together for over six years" will make you look really stupid. This is especially true if you met the guy you flirted with only a month ago. This is also not a true story about myself by any means.

Another thing to keep in mind is TIP #8 NEVER SLEEP WITH SOMEONE YOU JUST MET AT A BAR. GO TO WAFFLE HOUSE FIRST. This has nothing to do with religious beliefs, worries about STD's or anything about your own personal morals. What I am talking about is, say you go out to a bar for a few drinks, and you meet someone. This person is under low lighting, speaking over loudspeakers, and you have replaced your own eyeballs with beer goggles. The two of you decide to leave and meet at the nearest Waffle House for breakfast. Waffle House has the harshest lighting in the world comparable only to dressing room mirrors. Eat, sober up with little coffee and then look at them in Waffle House lighting. SEE!!! Now aren't you glad you didn't immediately sleep with him or her? They don't make enough Ajax brand cleaner to get all the gross off of your body. They sound like an eighty year old smoker who started out with three packs a day at age ten; and they gargle regularly with Drano. And that's just the girls. Make sure when the beer goggles come off you scream loudly and run for the door like an Olympic sprinter.

TIP #9 can be especially useful at a bar. TIP #9 KEEP TOPICS OF CONVERSATION IN YOUR HEAD, READY FOR EMERGENCY. The best two topics I can recommend are babies and rashes. For example you are a guy sitting in a bar and some woofer gets the nerve to come over and talk to you, please let her down easy. Let her introduce herself and then ask her a few questions to engage her, then let her know about that weird rash you have contracted. Talk in depth about it including specific descriptions of the pus from various boils. Be understanding when she suddenly spots friends she must speak with NOW. If however, you are a female and someone along the lines of the guy from TIP #4 comes up to you, and assuming he is coherent enough to remember women are not bitches, let him introduce himself. Smile reassuringly at him and invite him to sit down. It is best if you immediately begin the conversation with how much you are looking forward to meeting a man who loves children because you really want a good man for the four children you have at home. All of which are under the age of three. Be sure to ask him if he wants children because you are absolutely looking to have a large family involving at the least six more babies. Be understanding when he suddenly spots friends he must speak with NOW.

Which only leaves us with TIP #10 SHOW YOUR POTENTIAL DATE THAT YOU ARE TOTALLY OVER YOUR EX BY TALKING ABOUT HIM OR HER ALL NIGHT LONG. Of course I am kidding. You should get really drunk and call your ex and either tell them how much you have missed him or her and cry loudly OR call your ex and start screaming at the top of your lungs about how much you hate them and you hope he or she gets a horrible STD from the person he or she is now dating. Do this in front of a large crowd of people.

Well, that's about all the advise I can give. After this, you must make your own way in the world. I don't require thanks for the helpful tips I have shared with you, the reader; donations will suffice.

Have the kind of day that would make your mother proud. *Note* Not all results will end well.