Hello, I disappeared for a while, but I am back (by popular demand) (mostly in my head) and will continue to entertain the masses. I finally got back in here after forgetting my login and password. If you read my column and enjoy it, great. If not, that's ok, I do it for my own entertainment. Have a terrific night, and let me know about any odd news you hear!
IN TODAYS DOG MOMENTS:
I have been able to scientifically make up what my dog is thinking at any given moment. This is just one moment in Meener's life:
(Meener): Oh, there's the people, they are coming home, OHMYGOD, I LOVE the people, OHMYGOD they smell so good! I love smells.
(Me): Meener, back up, get out of the middle of the door, go on!
(Meener): OHMYGOD! they NOTICED me, Oh, I love the people, but I really love it when they notice me, oh, I'm so excited, I think I'll do the weewee dance of joy. (wee wees in the floor in excitement)
(Me): Damnit, Meener, move!
(Meener): Oh, WOW, the people talked to me! (pees some more)
(Me): Meener, bad dog to pee in the floor!
(Meener): I can't stand it! They LOVE me so much! Can it be? They are opening the door for me? I get to go outside? This MUST be what heaven is like! Oh, there are so many smells, I need to smell them all, and pee on them!
(Me): Meener, go out buddy
(Meener): OHMYGOD it's a SMELL, and here's a smell, and here's a smell, and there, there is another smell! (Lifts leg, pees on each smell). Oh look, it's the big dogs! I love the big dogs, HI big dogs, oh, I love the big dogs! (humps the leg of random large dog) Oh WOW, that big dog almost bit me, HE MUST REALLY LOVE ME! I love the big dogs, ooh, they smell, I LOVE smells (wee wees a little more)
(Me): Meener, come
(Meener): I hear voices, but it's probably in my head, so I'll ignore it. Ooh, this tree trunk smells, I LOVE smells, I better pee on this!
(Me): Meeener! Come
(Meener): If I don't look, it means I didn't hear. Oh, here's a cat! I LOVE to chase cats. BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK YIIIPES!!! OWWW! Cat's hurt.
(Me): MEENER, COME NOW
(Meener): I think she means it, here I am mom, am I not the cutest thing you ever saw? Do you love me? Do ya, huh,huh? I LOVE the people, ooh, I should wee wee here! I love everybody!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
mostly untrue news 17th edition
IN TODAY'S COLUMN: 10 TIPS ON HOW TO PICK UP PEOPLE AT A BAR OR AT LEAST LEAVE THEM SOMETHING TO REMEMBER ABOUT YOURSELF
I thought I might start today's column with a true story about myself to show you how easy it can be to find nice people in a bar and make an impression. This past Saturday, a friend and I went to a bar for a couple of drinks. I sat at the end of the bar and my friend sat next to me and next to her on the other side, sat a very nice man who I happened to have found attractive. TIP #1: MAKE EASY CONVERSATION. Our conversation with this gentleman covered various subjects such as the fanatics who believe 2012 will be the end of the world and what they might do, just to make it a self prophesy; the deeper meanings of Marvel Comics and the possibility of a coming civil war between those who will reveal themselves and won't; and what we each do. TIP #2 MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT WHEN ANSWERING QUESTIONS. At one point this gentleman asked my friend and I what we do. I couldn't hear really clearly over the thousand watts of music coming from speakers that must have had the previous life of a howler monkey. What I HEARD was
Q: "So what (mumble mumble) you?"
A: "(mumble mumble) and she's a Capricorn."
A: *from me* "No, I'm a Virgo, I made it by one day."
(Strange stares from half the bar cast in my direction) puzzlement.
What ACTUALLY was said was
Q: "So what do you guys do?"
A: *from my friend* "Well, I am a... at... and she is a kept woman."
A: *from me while looking deep into cute guys eyes* "No, I'm a Virgo, I made it by one day."
(Strange stares from half the bar cast in my direction) puzzlement. Then laughter and pointing in my general direction.
TIP #3 YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS TRYING TO FLIRT WITH PEOPLE AFTER AGE 25 ESPECIALLY IN A BAR WHEN YOUR HEARING IS PROBABLY ALREADY GOING ANYWAY.
Another true little anecdote and tip for you:
At a Karaoke bar, a man who was clearly at a 50/50 alcohol to blood ratio came to a table where my girlfriends and I sat. This man had dressed for the night in a dirty wife beater shirt, soiled camo shorts pulled down just enough to get a glimpse of his underwear, socks which used to be white, I think, and black tennis shoes with a blown out toe. He also made sure he hadn't showered in a few days, just to make everyone comfortable. This ladies man sauntered over to the table and proceeded to pretty much beg any of us to dance with him. After repeatedly making excuses such as "I would but I don't want to vomit directly on you" and "Thanks, but I don't think I'm good enough for you, buddy" we finally just said no. This man proceeded to call everyone at the table a "bunch of bitches" and did something with his hands around the front of his shorts which I was certain he must have had a lot of practice doing without his shorts on. TIP # 4 DON'T BE THIS GUY, UNLESS YOU ENJOY BEING THROWN BODILY FROM BARS.
I also have another handy tip. TIP #5 NEVER WALK UP TO A WOMAN AND SAY "I HEARD REDHEADS ARE GOOD IN BED, WANNA PROVE IT?" I can almost guarantee you a turn down and possibly a knee to the crotch if this is even attempted.
Which somehow leads me to TIP# 6 IF SOME GOOD LOOKING GUY IN A COWBOY HAT IS DANCING WITH A SKINNY BLOND ON THE DANCE FLOOR, DO NOT THINK FOR A MINUTE THAT HE IS REALLY GOING TO DUMP HER TO DANCE WITH YOUR 200lb BUTT, AND SNEAKING UP BEHIND HIM TO SANDWICH HIM INTO A DANCE WILL NOT WORK. You ladies will be surprised at the agility of muscular cute men when confronted with someone as repulsive as yourself. That little cowboy just scooted right out of that little sandwich and vanished into thin air. By the way there is no way this is a true story about myself.
Now on to TIP #7, which is IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT FEELING REBELLIOUS AND FLIRTY, ONLY FLIRT WITH PEOPLE YOU ARE SURE YOU WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN.
Otherwise, when you see them again and have no idea who they are, excusing yourself from them by saying "Thank you, but I have a boyfriend and we've been together for over six years" will make you look really stupid. This is especially true if you met the guy you flirted with only a month ago. This is also not a true story about myself by any means.
Another thing to keep in mind is TIP #8 NEVER SLEEP WITH SOMEONE YOU JUST MET AT A BAR. GO TO WAFFLE HOUSE FIRST. This has nothing to do with religious beliefs, worries about STD's or anything about your own personal morals. What I am talking about is, say you go out to a bar for a few drinks, and you meet someone. This person is under low lighting, speaking over loudspeakers, and you have replaced your own eyeballs with beer goggles. The two of you decide to leave and meet at the nearest Waffle House for breakfast. Waffle House has the harshest lighting in the world comparable only to dressing room mirrors. Eat, sober up with little coffee and then look at them in Waffle House lighting. SEE!!! Now aren't you glad you didn't immediately sleep with him or her? They don't make enough Ajax brand cleaner to get all the gross off of your body. They sound like an eighty year old smoker who started out with three packs a day at age ten; and they gargle regularly with Drano. And that's just the girls. Make sure when the beer goggles come off you scream loudly and run for the door like an Olympic sprinter.
TIP #9 can be especially useful at a bar. TIP #9 KEEP TOPICS OF CONVERSATION IN YOUR HEAD, READY FOR EMERGENCY. The best two topics I can recommend are babies and rashes. For example you are a guy sitting in a bar and some woofer gets the nerve to come over and talk to you, please let her down easy. Let her introduce herself and then ask her a few questions to engage her, then let her know about that weird rash you have contracted. Talk in depth about it including specific descriptions of the pus from various boils. Be understanding when she suddenly spots friends she must speak with NOW. If however, you are a female and someone along the lines of the guy from TIP #4 comes up to you, and assuming he is coherent enough to remember women are not bitches, let him introduce himself. Smile reassuringly at him and invite him to sit down. It is best if you immediately begin the conversation with how much you are looking forward to meeting a man who loves children because you really want a good man for the four children you have at home. All of which are under the age of three. Be sure to ask him if he wants children because you are absolutely looking to have a large family involving at the least six more babies. Be understanding when he suddenly spots friends he must speak with NOW.
Which only leaves us with TIP #10 SHOW YOUR POTENTIAL DATE THAT YOU ARE TOTALLY OVER YOUR EX BY TALKING ABOUT HIM OR HER ALL NIGHT LONG. Of course I am kidding. You should get really drunk and call your ex and either tell them how much you have missed him or her and cry loudly OR call your ex and start screaming at the top of your lungs about how much you hate them and you hope he or she gets a horrible STD from the person he or she is now dating. Do this in front of a large crowd of people.
Well, that's about all the advise I can give. After this, you must make your own way in the world. I don't require thanks for the helpful tips I have shared with you, the reader; donations will suffice.
Have the kind of day that would make your mother proud. *Note* Not all results will end well.
I thought I might start today's column with a true story about myself to show you how easy it can be to find nice people in a bar and make an impression. This past Saturday, a friend and I went to a bar for a couple of drinks. I sat at the end of the bar and my friend sat next to me and next to her on the other side, sat a very nice man who I happened to have found attractive. TIP #1: MAKE EASY CONVERSATION. Our conversation with this gentleman covered various subjects such as the fanatics who believe 2012 will be the end of the world and what they might do, just to make it a self prophesy; the deeper meanings of Marvel Comics and the possibility of a coming civil war between those who will reveal themselves and won't; and what we each do. TIP #2 MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT WHEN ANSWERING QUESTIONS. At one point this gentleman asked my friend and I what we do. I couldn't hear really clearly over the thousand watts of music coming from speakers that must have had the previous life of a howler monkey. What I HEARD was
Q: "So what (mumble mumble) you?"
A: "(mumble mumble) and she's a Capricorn."
A: *from me* "No, I'm a Virgo, I made it by one day."
(Strange stares from half the bar cast in my direction) puzzlement.
What ACTUALLY was said was
Q: "So what do you guys do?"
A: *from my friend* "Well, I am a... at... and she is a kept woman."
A: *from me while looking deep into cute guys eyes* "No, I'm a Virgo, I made it by one day."
(Strange stares from half the bar cast in my direction) puzzlement. Then laughter and pointing in my general direction.
TIP #3 YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS TRYING TO FLIRT WITH PEOPLE AFTER AGE 25 ESPECIALLY IN A BAR WHEN YOUR HEARING IS PROBABLY ALREADY GOING ANYWAY.
Another true little anecdote and tip for you:
At a Karaoke bar, a man who was clearly at a 50/50 alcohol to blood ratio came to a table where my girlfriends and I sat. This man had dressed for the night in a dirty wife beater shirt, soiled camo shorts pulled down just enough to get a glimpse of his underwear, socks which used to be white, I think, and black tennis shoes with a blown out toe. He also made sure he hadn't showered in a few days, just to make everyone comfortable. This ladies man sauntered over to the table and proceeded to pretty much beg any of us to dance with him. After repeatedly making excuses such as "I would but I don't want to vomit directly on you" and "Thanks, but I don't think I'm good enough for you, buddy" we finally just said no. This man proceeded to call everyone at the table a "bunch of bitches" and did something with his hands around the front of his shorts which I was certain he must have had a lot of practice doing without his shorts on. TIP # 4 DON'T BE THIS GUY, UNLESS YOU ENJOY BEING THROWN BODILY FROM BARS.
I also have another handy tip. TIP #5 NEVER WALK UP TO A WOMAN AND SAY "I HEARD REDHEADS ARE GOOD IN BED, WANNA PROVE IT?" I can almost guarantee you a turn down and possibly a knee to the crotch if this is even attempted.
Which somehow leads me to TIP# 6 IF SOME GOOD LOOKING GUY IN A COWBOY HAT IS DANCING WITH A SKINNY BLOND ON THE DANCE FLOOR, DO NOT THINK FOR A MINUTE THAT HE IS REALLY GOING TO DUMP HER TO DANCE WITH YOUR 200lb BUTT, AND SNEAKING UP BEHIND HIM TO SANDWICH HIM INTO A DANCE WILL NOT WORK. You ladies will be surprised at the agility of muscular cute men when confronted with someone as repulsive as yourself. That little cowboy just scooted right out of that little sandwich and vanished into thin air. By the way there is no way this is a true story about myself.
Now on to TIP #7, which is IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT FEELING REBELLIOUS AND FLIRTY, ONLY FLIRT WITH PEOPLE YOU ARE SURE YOU WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN.
Otherwise, when you see them again and have no idea who they are, excusing yourself from them by saying "Thank you, but I have a boyfriend and we've been together for over six years" will make you look really stupid. This is especially true if you met the guy you flirted with only a month ago. This is also not a true story about myself by any means.
Another thing to keep in mind is TIP #8 NEVER SLEEP WITH SOMEONE YOU JUST MET AT A BAR. GO TO WAFFLE HOUSE FIRST. This has nothing to do with religious beliefs, worries about STD's or anything about your own personal morals. What I am talking about is, say you go out to a bar for a few drinks, and you meet someone. This person is under low lighting, speaking over loudspeakers, and you have replaced your own eyeballs with beer goggles. The two of you decide to leave and meet at the nearest Waffle House for breakfast. Waffle House has the harshest lighting in the world comparable only to dressing room mirrors. Eat, sober up with little coffee and then look at them in Waffle House lighting. SEE!!! Now aren't you glad you didn't immediately sleep with him or her? They don't make enough Ajax brand cleaner to get all the gross off of your body. They sound like an eighty year old smoker who started out with three packs a day at age ten; and they gargle regularly with Drano. And that's just the girls. Make sure when the beer goggles come off you scream loudly and run for the door like an Olympic sprinter.
TIP #9 can be especially useful at a bar. TIP #9 KEEP TOPICS OF CONVERSATION IN YOUR HEAD, READY FOR EMERGENCY. The best two topics I can recommend are babies and rashes. For example you are a guy sitting in a bar and some woofer gets the nerve to come over and talk to you, please let her down easy. Let her introduce herself and then ask her a few questions to engage her, then let her know about that weird rash you have contracted. Talk in depth about it including specific descriptions of the pus from various boils. Be understanding when she suddenly spots friends she must speak with NOW. If however, you are a female and someone along the lines of the guy from TIP #4 comes up to you, and assuming he is coherent enough to remember women are not bitches, let him introduce himself. Smile reassuringly at him and invite him to sit down. It is best if you immediately begin the conversation with how much you are looking forward to meeting a man who loves children because you really want a good man for the four children you have at home. All of which are under the age of three. Be sure to ask him if he wants children because you are absolutely looking to have a large family involving at the least six more babies. Be understanding when he suddenly spots friends he must speak with NOW.
Which only leaves us with TIP #10 SHOW YOUR POTENTIAL DATE THAT YOU ARE TOTALLY OVER YOUR EX BY TALKING ABOUT HIM OR HER ALL NIGHT LONG. Of course I am kidding. You should get really drunk and call your ex and either tell them how much you have missed him or her and cry loudly OR call your ex and start screaming at the top of your lungs about how much you hate them and you hope he or she gets a horrible STD from the person he or she is now dating. Do this in front of a large crowd of people.
Well, that's about all the advise I can give. After this, you must make your own way in the world. I don't require thanks for the helpful tips I have shared with you, the reader; donations will suffice.
Have the kind of day that would make your mother proud. *Note* Not all results will end well.
Monday, May 3, 2010
mostly untrue news 16th edition
IN TODAYS COLUMN: THE SHEWEE
For those of you who regularly or semi-regularly read this blog or those of you who just happened one day to come across it accidentally while looking for something intelligent to read, may know of my last camping adventure wherein I peed all over myself while doing an improper popped squat. I am again attempting the whole camping thing again on memorial day weekend with about 18 other people who I really don't want witnessing another camping disaster. Before finding out that someone had taken mercy on me and found a campsite with actual restroom facilities I began looking for better ways to pee. One alert reader, Regina, brought a product to my attention. This product is the SheWee. I am not lying. Feel free to Google this product. The basic model looks like this:
As you can see this looks like a funnel, and that's exactly what it is. Now, without getting too graphic for those of you who don't like graphic stuff, I'm going to show you a dirty picture:
You (females) stand up and supposedly without even removing your panties you can she weewee all over the place. Here are the instructions:
In case you are confused, there is a more detailed instruction list on the website directly under these helpful ones. One such detail is to leave about 1 mm between your body and the shewee; in other words, don't forget your measuring tape, ladies.
Also, you may find the "When to SheWee" section of their website very helpful. I know I sure did.
If you find the basic model too boring for your individual urinating needs it also comes in a variety of colors for your more comfortable viewing pleasure. There is a Barbie-hot pink one, a soothing nato-green one, a blue one, a red one, and a desert sand colored one. Also these have coordinating containers available. They look very much like a toothbrush case; please do not mix the two up. Ladies and confused gentlemen, we aren't done yet. These guys have T-shirts:
They have kits:
this kit also includes their special pink underwear called an "X Front" (again, I am not making this up)
They also have this scary looking product:
This is some sort of underwear apparatus which apparantly enables you to pee all day any day. My only complaint is that all the pricing is done GBP (eg: 11.50 curly L's) which turns out to be around $30.00 in American money. That was the price for the basic. HOWEVER, if you have the money to spend, this handy little device comes with an extension. Yep, peeing for distance is now a possibility for us gals. Here is the extension:
No longer do we have to watch drunk men pee off of the balconies of frat houses feeling left out and separated by genitals. Now ladies are also able to get drunk and pee off of the balconies of frat houses too! Heck ladies, we now have unlimited peeing capabilities. So, liberated women of the new millennium, go outdoors and mark your territory!
Have a pleasant immediate future, unless that's not working for you right now. In that case, keep up the good work.
For those of you who regularly or semi-regularly read this blog or those of you who just happened one day to come across it accidentally while looking for something intelligent to read, may know of my last camping adventure wherein I peed all over myself while doing an improper popped squat. I am again attempting the whole camping thing again on memorial day weekend with about 18 other people who I really don't want witnessing another camping disaster. Before finding out that someone had taken mercy on me and found a campsite with actual restroom facilities I began looking for better ways to pee. One alert reader, Regina, brought a product to my attention. This product is the SheWee. I am not lying. Feel free to Google this product. The basic model looks like this:
As you can see this looks like a funnel, and that's exactly what it is. Now, without getting too graphic for those of you who don't like graphic stuff, I'm going to show you a dirty picture:
You (females) stand up and supposedly without even removing your panties you can she weewee all over the place. Here are the instructions:
|  | |
Tip! Practise with Shewee in the shower to find the best position for you. Shewee is washable by hand or machine and can withstand temperatures up to 120°C. On leaving the body, urine is sterile. | ||
Undo trousers. Push underwear to one side. Place Shewee 
Aim urine to a suitable place – away from feet, into a toilet or a container. 
When finished, pull funnel away, wipe- liquid repellent coating ensures no drips. 
Place Also, you may find the "When to SheWee" section of their website very helpful. I know I sure did.
If you find the basic model too boring for your individual urinating needs it also comes in a variety of colors for your more comfortable viewing pleasure. There is a Barbie-hot pink one, a soothing nato-green one, a blue one, a red one, and a desert sand colored one. Also these have coordinating containers available. They look very much like a toothbrush case; please do not mix the two up. Ladies and confused gentlemen, we aren't done yet. These guys have T-shirts:
They have kits:
this kit also includes their special pink underwear called an "X Front" (again, I am not making this up)They also have this scary looking product:
This is some sort of underwear apparatus which apparantly enables you to pee all day any day. My only complaint is that all the pricing is done GBP (eg: 11.50 curly L's) which turns out to be around $30.00 in American money. That was the price for the basic. HOWEVER, if you have the money to spend, this handy little device comes with an extension. Yep, peeing for distance is now a possibility for us gals. Here is the extension:
No longer do we have to watch drunk men pee off of the balconies of frat houses feeling left out and separated by genitals. Now ladies are also able to get drunk and pee off of the balconies of frat houses too! Heck ladies, we now have unlimited peeing capabilities. So, liberated women of the new millennium, go outdoors and mark your territory!
Have a pleasant immediate future, unless that's not working for you right now. In that case, keep up the good work.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
mostly untrue news 15th edition
IN TODAY'S COLUMN: House work - brilliant anecdotes and simple tips on how to get your way.
Today as I was putting laundry into the washing machine (ever notice if the laundry is clean it's "laundry" however, if it is dirty it is "laundry", what is that?), anyway - ... laundry into the washing machine, which is located in the bathroom. As I was working I realized my bathroom could use some cleaning because, in layman's terms, it was really gross. In husband and children terms it was pretty clean, but because I am anal about the cleanliness of my bathroom and kitchen and can see actual dirt molecules, I decided it absolutely must be cleaned. First order of business was washing the two bathroom mirrors and the large hand-held mirror so one can see the back of one's head in case there is anything one can do to make one's hair look worse than it already does. WHAT was on these mirrors? The medicine cabinet mirror looked like someone had poured milk down one side of it. It was also obvious that someone in the house with an electric toothbrush turned on the toothbrush and, before any teeth brushing happened, would let it vibrate and whirl in front of the mirror for a minute or two. The other mirror looked as though when the twirly toothbrush person finished leaving toothpaste splatters on the tall mirror, they went to the shorter mirror and gargled, head back, mouth open with the mirror lying on their face directly over the open mouth. The hand-held mirror looked much the same only with some kind of gooey stuff stuck to it. So, I washed the mirrors and and once again turned them into objects that could be looked into and would send one's brain back a signal that didn't make the person look like a half melted milk face with horrid spots and sticky wounds. TIP #1: permanently affix a thick towel to all mirrors so you will never have to worry with cleaning them again. Second order of business: clean the sink and counter area. I don't know how many readers are aware of a product called Simple Green. Simple Green is this engine grease, slime busting spray cleaner. This stuff will clean anything. It is only sold concentrated. My sink needed a combination of Simple Green and powdered Comet to clean it because my husband comes in every day and washes his hands, which are generally covered in oil from various construction equipments and dirt and money germs and pretty much anything filthy within a fifty mile radius from his job. He does this everyday and faithfully leaves the greasy, filthy water drops all over the counter and in the sink and on the handles (and I don't even have to ask him to do it). So, the toothbrush holders and the counter tops and sink and handles are cleaned before I clean the soap which is dirty from the husband who washes his hands with it and doesn't rinse it off. Also, the stray hairs and bits of stuff are cleaned out of it. TIP #2: soap is not self cleaning. Two down, two to go. The shower and toilet are all that is left. Here is a question I would like to pose to you readers: why is it that men seem to find the shower the only acceptable place to blow their nose? I'm not talking about civilized blowing into a tissue blowing, but simply blowing out into the shower stall. I know it isn't just my current uncivilized partner, because my last husband, a.k.a troll cave, did this too. Not only are boogers on the shower walls gross, they are also very hard to scrub off without using a COVERED UP thumb nail and scratching those suckers off. Somehow men have found a way to not only blow their noses on the shower wall but they stick them on with some sort of glue with permanent immortality properties. The best way I found to deal with this problem is TIP # 3: draw giant circles around all of them with red lipstick (that you will never use again of course) and write on the wall with the same lipstick (INSERT NAME OF NEANDERTHAL HERE) STOP LEAVING BOOGERS ALL OVER THE SHOWER, THIS IS GROSS!!! It makes said neanderthal really mad, but if the cleaner of the shower has to be mad and grossed out then it serves the neanderthal right for being such a snot nosed puke face. On to the toilet (oh goody). Now, I understand boys are differently equipped than us girls and as a result have decided somewhere along the line that real men stand up to pee. This is not too much of a problem unless you are raising two potential men who are 10 and 12 years of age. Apparently being smaller and closer to the toilet does not mean you can hit that big ol' bowl with any sort of accuracy. I discovered this today as I was cleaning our personal toilet. Some small person with the aim of a dizzy sightless person peed down the side of the toilet. The outside side of the toilet. As in that little place behind and under the toilet, where the toilet screws down into the floor was pooled in pee and the side was covered in dried tacky pee and the floor surrounding the toilet was peed upon. You could literally see the bacteria having a beach party in the nooks and crannies of the toilet and surrounding area. There was a housing community being developed by all the little enzymes while the younger bacteria played in the pool surrounded by hot bacteria lifeguards with sunscreen on their noses. TIP #4: invest in a port-a-potty. The family pees there. You buy a lock to the bathroom, hide the key and only go in when you are sure no one else is around to get in. Lock the door behind you. Take mercy on no one. Afterwords I cleaned and disinfected the cat box which was in much better shape than the non-feline waste depository, then swept and mopped and now everything is nice and clean. Well, it was, the kids are home now and I'm sure once bladders are emptied I'll have to clean the bathroom again tonight. At least I have job security for the next several years.
Have a great day and try to make at least one stranger believe you really do have an Australian accent.
Today as I was putting laundry into the washing machine (ever notice if the laundry is clean it's "laundry" however, if it is dirty it is "laundry", what is that?), anyway - ... laundry into the washing machine, which is located in the bathroom. As I was working I realized my bathroom could use some cleaning because, in layman's terms, it was really gross. In husband and children terms it was pretty clean, but because I am anal about the cleanliness of my bathroom and kitchen and can see actual dirt molecules, I decided it absolutely must be cleaned. First order of business was washing the two bathroom mirrors and the large hand-held mirror so one can see the back of one's head in case there is anything one can do to make one's hair look worse than it already does. WHAT was on these mirrors? The medicine cabinet mirror looked like someone had poured milk down one side of it. It was also obvious that someone in the house with an electric toothbrush turned on the toothbrush and, before any teeth brushing happened, would let it vibrate and whirl in front of the mirror for a minute or two. The other mirror looked as though when the twirly toothbrush person finished leaving toothpaste splatters on the tall mirror, they went to the shorter mirror and gargled, head back, mouth open with the mirror lying on their face directly over the open mouth. The hand-held mirror looked much the same only with some kind of gooey stuff stuck to it. So, I washed the mirrors and and once again turned them into objects that could be looked into and would send one's brain back a signal that didn't make the person look like a half melted milk face with horrid spots and sticky wounds. TIP #1: permanently affix a thick towel to all mirrors so you will never have to worry with cleaning them again. Second order of business: clean the sink and counter area. I don't know how many readers are aware of a product called Simple Green. Simple Green is this engine grease, slime busting spray cleaner. This stuff will clean anything. It is only sold concentrated. My sink needed a combination of Simple Green and powdered Comet to clean it because my husband comes in every day and washes his hands, which are generally covered in oil from various construction equipments and dirt and money germs and pretty much anything filthy within a fifty mile radius from his job. He does this everyday and faithfully leaves the greasy, filthy water drops all over the counter and in the sink and on the handles (and I don't even have to ask him to do it). So, the toothbrush holders and the counter tops and sink and handles are cleaned before I clean the soap which is dirty from the husband who washes his hands with it and doesn't rinse it off. Also, the stray hairs and bits of stuff are cleaned out of it. TIP #2: soap is not self cleaning. Two down, two to go. The shower and toilet are all that is left. Here is a question I would like to pose to you readers: why is it that men seem to find the shower the only acceptable place to blow their nose? I'm not talking about civilized blowing into a tissue blowing, but simply blowing out into the shower stall. I know it isn't just my current uncivilized partner, because my last husband, a.k.a troll cave, did this too. Not only are boogers on the shower walls gross, they are also very hard to scrub off without using a COVERED UP thumb nail and scratching those suckers off. Somehow men have found a way to not only blow their noses on the shower wall but they stick them on with some sort of glue with permanent immortality properties. The best way I found to deal with this problem is TIP # 3: draw giant circles around all of them with red lipstick (that you will never use again of course) and write on the wall with the same lipstick (INSERT NAME OF NEANDERTHAL HERE) STOP LEAVING BOOGERS ALL OVER THE SHOWER, THIS IS GROSS!!! It makes said neanderthal really mad, but if the cleaner of the shower has to be mad and grossed out then it serves the neanderthal right for being such a snot nosed puke face. On to the toilet (oh goody). Now, I understand boys are differently equipped than us girls and as a result have decided somewhere along the line that real men stand up to pee. This is not too much of a problem unless you are raising two potential men who are 10 and 12 years of age. Apparently being smaller and closer to the toilet does not mean you can hit that big ol' bowl with any sort of accuracy. I discovered this today as I was cleaning our personal toilet. Some small person with the aim of a dizzy sightless person peed down the side of the toilet. The outside side of the toilet. As in that little place behind and under the toilet, where the toilet screws down into the floor was pooled in pee and the side was covered in dried tacky pee and the floor surrounding the toilet was peed upon. You could literally see the bacteria having a beach party in the nooks and crannies of the toilet and surrounding area. There was a housing community being developed by all the little enzymes while the younger bacteria played in the pool surrounded by hot bacteria lifeguards with sunscreen on their noses. TIP #4: invest in a port-a-potty. The family pees there. You buy a lock to the bathroom, hide the key and only go in when you are sure no one else is around to get in. Lock the door behind you. Take mercy on no one. Afterwords I cleaned and disinfected the cat box which was in much better shape than the non-feline waste depository, then swept and mopped and now everything is nice and clean. Well, it was, the kids are home now and I'm sure once bladders are emptied I'll have to clean the bathroom again tonight. At least I have job security for the next several years.
Have a great day and try to make at least one stranger believe you really do have an Australian accent.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
mostly untrue news 14th edition
- TODAY'S ISSUE WILL BE ON WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER GO CAMPING (AT LEAST WITH ME)
LATER AT THE CAMPSITE
First I give my brother the orange thing because we don't want to get shot. He looked it over, handed it to Tiffany, she looked it over and we all decided it must be some kind of face mask. Upon further inspection Andy found the tag and I had brought along a dog vest. Well, we could still hang it in the tree so no one shoots in this general direction, right? My well thought out question only brought well meant laughter my way from my brother and his fiancee. I'm sure they meant it in the nicest way possible. Andy unloaded my bucket of food and held it up and stared at me. "What?" I asked thinking he was about to compliment me on my food packing. He laughed and told me we were only staying one night, how was I supposed to cook the ramen noodles, and how was I going to open any of the cans as I had packed no can opener. Together he and Tiffany laughed at me. I was ok with that, after all, they needed to bond, this would be good for them; I was willing to oblige. Then he held up my warm fuzzy blanket and asked if I had really only brought one blanket. Well, of course I did, I didn't have room for more and this blanket was really warm. He told me it was going to be thirty degrees that night. I assured him it would be fine. Andy and Tiffany exchanged well meant looks and laughed another well meant laugh.
AS THE NIGHT WENT ON AND IT GOT DARK
I had eaten (off of a wild stick) a hotdog and a s'more. Suddenly my tummy gave me the rumble that meant I was about to rid my body of a hotdog and s'more. "Uh, Andy," I said "I need to do a number two". "Well, go that way (pointing to the absolute dark away from our campsite), I don't want to see you do it", he told me. "But it's dark out there" I smartly pointed out. I was told to just go. So I grabbed my toilet paper and went to a spot right in front of his truck and over just enough where no one could see what I had done in the morning. Well, cold air and stage fright took over and my body sealed itself so shut that nothing could have left or entered my body at any point. So, I pulled my pants back on, kept my toilet paper and walked back to camp. I sat in front of the fire a little while longer and digestion took over and insisted I try to do another number two. SO, I walked back to my spot, held myself up with my cane, and tried to relax. Finally nature took it's course and I managed to "let it loose". The only problem was that my body weight, being over 200 pounds was trying to stay up on leg muscles that had atrophied a bit due to a stroke and were burning at the weight they were trying to hold up. I finally finished my business and triumphantly went back to camp announcing I had made poo in the woods and didn't even get anything on myself. I was so proud. Proud people are often struck with something bad by God. Six diet cokes later, I really had to do a number one. I was taken to a tree that I could lean against, was told to "pop a squat" and handle my business. No one showed me how to pop a squat. "I am not popping this squat properly", I thought as pee flowed from me all down my right leg and into my shoe and down my left leg and into my other shoe. The problem was that I had had to force myself to relax again and in such a state, I couldn't close the floodgates. I stood there peeing all over myself for about two or three minutes. Finally finishing, I screamed for Andy to bring me new pants and socks and underwear (I chose him because Tiffany had already gone to bed). Laughing another well meant laugh, he brought those things to me as I changed butt naked in the wild; only before changing, I had to wash myself off with paper towels and ice water directly from the cooler, in thirty degree temperatures.
BEDTIME
At about two or three in the morning, Andy and I decided to crawl into the tent. Imagine if you will a big fat woman crawling through a tent door onto a squishy blowup mattress. Now imagine this scene except that the left half of this woman's body won't coordinate the way it used to and has little muscle strength left. I was starting to feel that all this laughter wasn't quite as well meant as I had wanted to believe. Let me just get through this part fast. My blanket let me down in the fact that it is no match whatsoever for thirty degree weather, so it left me fighting all night for some of Andy and Tiffany's four or five blankets which they were not wont to share. Occasionally I slept on this really uncomfortable bar under the tent that turned out to be my own cane, which I could have removed at any time, and my feet got so cold I was sure I would have to have some toes removed the next day.
So, all in all, camping was pretty good because no one shot us. Otherwise, no one ate my food, we didn't even have a dog to put the orange dog jacket on, I peed all over myself, everyone laughed at me, I froze to death and probably ended up with e-coli or something from eating off of wild sticks.
THE END...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
mostly untrue news 13th edition
- IN TODAY'S FASHION NEWS: There are times when I wonder if all this man baiting is just a cover for the idiotic things women do to themselves. I cannot even call this alarming trend sexy. It isn't sexy, it isn't healthy, it serves no other purpose than to make women look alarmingly bizarre. What is this trend? It is a trend toward towering footwear for ladies under the name of "shoes". My favorites so far:
Oh yeah, these make me think sexy! No? How about broken ankle, trip to the emergency room, and feet that will look like Hobbit feet in about 10 years. I'm not sure who came up with this unfortunate look for fashion, but I think it had to be someone who was very short and had problems with self esteem. Like Napoleon. Maybe Hitler. Oddly enough though, this towering footwear has been heading down runways attached to the anorexic feet of stick insects since last season. So, what is the reasoning behind designer's scheme to give all skinny women hammer toes? The recession! I swear I'm not making this up. According to Yahoo! news reporter Joanna Douglas, during recession times, like the Great Depression of the 1930's, the oil crisis in the 1970's and "and when the dotcom bubble burst in the 2000s" there is "a greater need for escapism." Escapism? I couldn't escape out of a paper bag in those ankle twisters! However, they might come in handy during a mini flood of some sort. Maybe if you couldn't reach the diet water on the top shelf, these towering, tormentors of treacherous toe-height (barely pulled that one off), might do some good. Otherwise, I would just use them to throw at people. - IN TODAY'S FINANCIAL NEWS: Pamela Anderson is feeling the stresses of this country's economic woes. The blond, busty bombshell is rumored to owe the government around $493,000 in back taxes. She is also rumored to be balking at a million dollar bill for renovations done to her home in Malibu. Pamela states that "her lawyers were 'reviewing the work done' to investigate the possibility of unfair bills", and that while she was indeed the subject of tax liens to the tune of several hundred thousand dollars, she was still "financially secure." Ms. Anderson proves she is in no trouble at all due to the fact that she now has a double wide trailer on the beach. Ladies and Gentlemen, you can take the trash out of the trailer park, but it will just keep getting breast implants until you let it back in.
- IN TODAY'S WOMEN'S ISSUES: This is a personal tale about Not Me. Two days ago, Not Me and my boyfriend were invited to dinner. While getting dressed, Not Me decided to wear something a bit sexier than the usual neutral bra and ginormous stomach - holding - in spandex underpants that I usually wear. This time, they were red. Ok, they were a little sexier than that, and Not Me decided to wear them and whisper sexy stuff to my boyfriend that would turn him on for after dinner. You know, things like "ooh baby, I've been thinking, that - um... later... we might, you know, go to Wal-Mart and get some milk". So, the underpants part went fine. All night they stayed where they were supposed to and served their underpants purpose. The bra, however, was created by Satan. You have to understand that Not Me has a robust chest girth (in other words, I'm kind of fat). However my cup size is that of a sixth grade band geek. Rarely do I EVER find bras in in Not My size. This one was close though, and I had figured I could make it work. Not Me put it on having to do the thing where you put the bra on upside down and backwards, then button it, then turn it around and right side up. When I twisted it around not my body it left tread marks like a mac truck had just spun out on my abdomen. This was followed by the insert-able fake breasts found at your local Wal-Mart store. Not me had to do this because this particular bra had shaped cups and it looked like Not Me had just dumped melted silly putty inside it. So, in with the breast enhancers. Ahh, instant breast enhancement and a little to extra on the top; perfect. Perfect except that about ten minutes into dinner, Not Me discovered that this bra was made for people with actual breasts and not pre-formed breast inserts. Not Me discovered this because the under-wire of the bra began poking Not Me in the armpits causing an irritating sore. The only relief from this new affliction was to sit there motionless with both arms raised in the air. Apparently this is frowned upon in most restaurants (depending on location). So, in trying to adjust the height of the bra, Not Me ended up stabbing not myself in the armpits and then managed to make the straps slide halfway down not my arms. These straps slid so far, that Not Me had to actually reach down the neck of not my shirt with a rod and reel and go fishing. These straps were not giving up without a fight. It never occurred to Not Me to go into the ladies room and do the bra of Satan dance in private, where there was a good chance of falling into a toilet as well. Nope, being the classy, sophisticated person that Not Me is, Not Me did this little bra voodoo dance right at the dinner table. So, having fought with the evil bra all night, when Not Me and my boyfriend got home Not Me took the bra of death, doused it in gasoline, set it on fire, scattered the ashes to the four corners and just went to sleep; milk be damned.
- That's it for today's news, so have a grumpy day and don't smile at anyone unless you are trying to spit gum in their path.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
mostly untrue news 12th edition
IN TODAY'S STUPID SONGS SECTION: Sly and the Family Stone are currently singing in the background of my computer. They are singing Everyday People. This is a stupid song anyway (and they play it too often for my taste on Pandora), but I would like to know what the hell Scooby Doo had to do with this song. Am I the only one to ever ask that question? I don't think so, there is bound to be an answer out there somewhere; I would appreciate it if any vigilant readers out there know the answer or are clever enough to make up something that sounds like the truth, please feel free to let me know under the comments section of this blog.
IN TODAY'S MORE STUPID SONGS SECTION: The group known as Steam wrote a song called Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye). This gem of a song was played for me this afternoon on Pandora. I had actually heard it several times before today, but never payed much attention to it until today. I won't write anything about the song, I'm just going to write the ending and see if you can spot the problem too. I'm not making this up and have copied it word for word:
Hey, hey, hey,
Goodbye.
Na na na na,
Hey, hey, hey,
Goodbye.
Na na na na,
Na na na na,
Hey, hey, hey,
Goodbye.
Na na na na,
Na na na na,
Hey, hey, hey,
Goodbye.
Na na na na,
Na na na na,
Hey, hey, hey,
Goodbye.
Na na na na,
Na na na na,
Hey, hey, hey,
Goodbye.
Na na na na,
Na na na na,
Hey, hey, hey,
Goodbye.
Na na na na,
Na na na na,
Hey, hey, hey,
Goodbye.
Na na na na,
Na na na na,
Hey, hey, hey,
Goodbye.
Na na na na,
Na na na na,
Hey, hey, hey,
Goodbye.
In case you want to purchase this song, just look for the album that looks like this:
A group of sweaty, furry and slightly over weight, pasty white guys all cuddled together in a sauna. Calm down ladies.
IN TODAY'S WELL, WE MAY AS WELL MAKE THIS WHOLE BLOG ABOUT STUPID SONGS: Let's just go with it.
Muskrat Love by Captain and Tennille. I personally don't see how you can miss with this song, especially if you happen to be a rodent. Check out these tantalizing lyrics: "Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam/ Do the jitterbug out in Muskrat Land/ and they shimmey... Sam is so skinny". Not to spoil the ending lets just say things get a little wild for Sam and Suzy after they start "Nibbling on bacon, chewing on cheese/ Sam says to Suzy, Honey, would you please be my Mrs." I refuse to write about the kinds of smut that happen next.
I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) by Meat Loaf. Appropriatly named after refrigerator leftovers, this artist would do anything for love, but he won't do that. No one knows what exactly it is he won't do and he doesn't bother to enlighten us with that mystyrious knowledge. This song is approxamatly 183 minutes long, and in all the professions of love that Mr. Loaf makes to his love, he still won't do that. Good for him. Take a stand.
My Ding A Ling by Chuck Berry. Oh, come on, I can't even type that without laughing hard enough to soil myself. Really, Chuck, do we want to know about this? "Oh my ding a ling, Everybody sing
I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling
My ding a ling, my ding a ling
I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling"*Note, I am not making this up, I swear* Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus? By Mojo Nixon, Country Dick Montana (snicker snicker) and Jello Biafra. These lyrics truely touched my soul: "As I nestled on my barstool / I felt your warmness within / I looked down at my pants / that wasn't warmness / I wet myself again". If that won't bring a tear to your eye, the chorus ought to do it: "Does your head pound, Jesus / As hung over you do rise / how does paradise look, Jesus / through holy bloodshot eyes/ should we take a cab home Jesus/ Man, we can hoof it from here / I know you can walk on the water /but can you walk on this much beer?" I've never witnessed cleverness on this level.
AND FINALLY: At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump – Weird Al. Yeah I know. Still...
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