Mostly Untrue News 18th edition

Hello, I disappeared for a while, but I am back (by popular demand) (mostly in my head) and will continue to entertain the masses. I finally got back in here after forgetting my login and password. If you read my column and enjoy it, great. If not, that's ok, I do it for my own entertainment. Have a terrific night, and let me know about any odd news you hear!

IN TODAYS DOG MOMENTS:
I have been able to scientifically make up what my dog is thinking at any given moment. This is just one moment in Meener's life:
(Meener): Oh, there's the people, they are coming home, OHMYGOD, I LOVE the people, OHMYGOD they smell so good! I love smells.
(Me): Meener, back up, get out of the middle of the door, go on!
(Meener): OHMYGOD! they NOTICED me, Oh, I love the people, but I really love it when they notice me, oh, I'm so excited, I think I'll do the weewee dance of joy. (wee wees in the floor in excitement)
(Me): Damnit, Meener, move!
(Meener): Oh, WOW, the people talked to me! (pees some more)
(Me): Meener, bad dog to pee in the floor!
(Meener): I can't stand it! They LOVE me so much! Can it be? They are opening the door for me? I get to go outside? This MUST be what heaven is like! Oh, there are so many smells, I need to smell them all, and pee on them!
(Me): Meener, go out buddy
(Meener): OHMYGOD it's a SMELL, and here's a smell, and here's a smell, and there, there is another smell! (Lifts leg, pees on each smell). Oh look, it's the big dogs! I love the big dogs, HI big dogs, oh, I love the big dogs! (humps the leg of random large dog) Oh WOW, that big dog almost bit me, HE MUST REALLY LOVE ME! I love the big dogs, ooh, they smell, I LOVE smells (wee wees a little more)
(Me): Meener, come
(Meener): I hear voices, but it's probably in my head, so I'll ignore it. Ooh, this tree trunk smells, I LOVE smells, I better pee on this!
(Me): Meeener! Come
(Meener): If I don't look, it means I didn't hear. Oh, here's a cat! I LOVE to chase cats. BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK YIIIPES!!! OWWW! Cat's hurt.
(Me): MEENER, COME NOW
(Meener): I think she means it, here I am mom, am I not the cutest thing you ever saw? Do you love me? Do ya, huh,huh? I LOVE the people, ooh, I should wee wee here! I love everybody!